Chasing Hope

Until this fall, I visit taught a dear sister in my ward named Ann. I loved visiting her for many reasons but especially because she reminds me of my grandmother.

Each visit was filled with her love for her children and grandchildren. It was obvious that they were the most important things in her life. We usually visited her on Sundays because she worked. Our visits would have to be early because every week her large family would come over for dinner. You could tell how much she loved this.

Last December she shared about how much fun they would have together on Christmas Eve. She really seemed to have the kind of weekly family contact that I have always dreamed of having. Why she even worked for her daughter in law, in an office, and for the past year as the nanny for her grandson.

Ann teaches the fourth Sunday lessons in Relief Society, and I always looked forward to her lesson each month. As I have stood nervously to teach gospel doctrine for the past few months, I found comfort and encouragement in Ann's sweet smile on the back row.

For all of these reasons and more, I was shocked and dismayed two weeks ago, when they announced that Ann was in the hospital. She was having trouble breathing and they were not sure what was wrong with her.

I made a mental note to go and visit her that afternoon. Life happened and I never made it down to the hospital. The next day I received the news that my mom's cancer was worse than we had hoped. They are classifying it as stage 3. My mom will undergo chemo and radiation. There are still more tests to be done.

Obviously this news was devastating to me. I found that I had to consciously choose to breathe in and out. Who says breathing is an involuntary body function? I pretty much laid in the fetal position for the next two days.

Several days later I called the RS president to ask about Ann. She told me that a test had shown that she had a rare form of lung cancer. They did not think there was anything they could do to help her. What the heck. Once again I was stunned by the news.

At the end of that week, I worked a couple of days at a Christmas store for a little extra money. As I walked through the large room with festive ornaments and decorations every where you looked, I wanted to throw up. I hoped that no one would notice the tears streaming down my face as I listened to "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" playing on the radio. That part of "through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow" was too much to take.

And still, I never made it to the hospital to visit Ann. I thought about her and her family often. It was easy to imagine all that they were going through. They would be taking turns sitting by her bedside day and night. They would drive to the hospital on autopilot in a trance of shock and disbelief. They would become used to calling into the nurses station to be let in to see their loved one. Soon they would learn to read all the numbers on the machines attached to Ann and become accustomed to all the tubes running in and out of her. I could see it all and even though I thought my heart had already been smashed to a fine powder, somehow there was still a piece big enough to break again at the pain this family was experiencing this holiday season.

Perhaps it is more efficient to grieve for so many things at the same time. Multitasking at its very finest. I don't know.

That Sunday I taught Ether 12 in Gospel Doctrine. It was all about Faith and Hope and weakness. I read and reread Moroni's promise that because of the Saviour we could with surety hope for a better world. I also read Elder Uchdorfs talk about Hope from the last conference. I learned from him that we are commanded to hope. I had never really thought of it in that way before. He urges us to not give in to the temptation to be hopeless.

I vowed that I would repent of my super hopeless ways. But it was easier said than done. I feel as if I am Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible, hanging by a thread six inches above the ground. Only I am hanging in the pit of despair. Lucky for me the Saviour is the anchor on this tug of war between despair and hope. Also pulling on my team are my family and friends. So I have no doubt who will win in the end. But for the record, all this tugging is tearing me apart.

The next week was Christmas week, and as of the 23rd, I had only purchased 3 gifts. I was voting for a Grinch Christmas without any presents or trimmings, but my daughter said that wouldn't do. The next two days I managed to do a minimally adequate job. We had Chinese take out for Christmas Eve dinner. Christmas morning was short and somewhat sweet. And still I just watched everything going on around me as if it were a dream.

And so last night, I found myself alone in my car and felt prompted to go to the hospital. I drove the all too familiar path that I had driven 25 times last summer. As I entered the hospital, there was a large family with small crying children. They were probably all tired and hungry after a long stressful day of uncertainty.

I went to the elevator and then realized that Ann would not be in the pediatric ICU. So I asked at the desk and managed to get a room number and some directions. I walked down the mile long hallway where I had accompanied Jared on his trips to the OR. It was also the hallway I would walk up and down in just to stretch my legs and try to get a little bit of exercise.

The hallway was scattered with people wearing tired care worn faces or those wearing scrubs.

I made my way to the third floor and found myself outside the Cardiovascular Unit. Just like the PICU, they keep it under lock down and I had to call in and ask to be admitted. For a minute I thought they might not let me in.

But soon I found myself walking past rooms filled with patients on machines. The hospital had done its best to convey the holiday spirit by painting the windows to the rooms. But no matter what you do to a hospital, it is no place to be for the holidays.

There were nurses sitting at the desk charting and perhaps chatting a little bit. Finally I found the room I was looking for and entered.

None of her family were there at that moment. Perhaps that is why I was prompted to come. I hardly recognized Ann. She was rather swollen from all the fluids they put in you. Jared was the same way. When I first came in and spoke to her, she seemed to open her eyes a little and maybe move her head a little.

I asked her how she was and asked about her family. Really I just made small talk with her, even though it was one sided on my part. I held her hand and rubbed her arm. The nurse came in and I asked if I could put some lotion on her. The nurse said OK, and so rubbed lotion on her arms and legs. I told Ann I didn't understand why it seems so much drier in the winter here. I told her how much our visits had meant to me and how I miss coming to her house each month. I looked at all the machines and numbers and was surprised that I have forgotten just what normal numbers should be. I rinsed out the cloth on her forehead and sponged her down a bit to help cool her fever.

Of course because I am not family, the nurse could not tell me how she is doing. But I sensed that it was not good. The nurse tried to get her to squeeze her hand, but Ann did not do it. Even when Jared was in a comma, he could squeeze pretty hard when you asked him to.

Finally, I told Ann how much I loved her and left wondering if my visit had made any difference.

Today I spoke to the Bishop's wife and was told that the family has decided to take Ann off the respirator on Monday and to plan for the funeral on Friday. I understand, the way she is now is no way to live. But still again, I was stunned.

And so I think that the visit did make a difference to me. If tomorrow they make this announcement in Relief Society, I am sure I would have regretted terribly not visiting. It was a chance for me to say good bye. It was a chance for me to step away from my grief and sorrow and see someone else suffering as much if not more than me.

My mom shared this comforting scripture with me:

"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;

"Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord." D&C 98:1-3.

I will continue to breathe in and out. I will seek for hope diligently. I will wait patiently upon the Lord. Although truth be told, I am much better at waiting impatiently. I must follow Elder Uchdorf's admonition to never give up.

But in the mean time, I just want you to know I'm having a hard time.

Fa La La La

Diana sang for her school's Christmas program. This year they decided to go easy on the parents and just have the kids wear their pajamas. Of course this meant we needed new pajamas, but that's OK. It also meant some drama about not being able to just wear your pajamas all day, so you had to wear clothes and bring your pajamas to school and change. But whatever.

She did look ever so cute. And yea for being short so you are always on the front row. They had those kids jammed in like sardines on the bleacher.

Trent's orchestra concert got canceled when it snowed, so this was the only thing I had to go to this year. Kind of a change from three different events. And of course two of them were usually on the same day in past years.

Feliz Navidad!

In an effort to blog my brains out for the next four days, I searched through the photos on my computer. I found this little gem that I had not seen before. Apparently Trent downloaded this picture from his phone. So I take that to mean that it is fair game for posting. He was at the Bite of Las Vegas, and I think he looks rather smashing.

Biker Chick

Santa was good to Diana this year. He even managed to get the very bike that she had picked out. In previous years, he has made some slip ups and not delivered on quite exactly what she had wished for.

She was so excited. It was fun to watch. Yesterday she experienced her first fall. That shook her up for a while. But I have no doubt she will be out there riding again today.

Topless in Las Vegas

How do you like that title? Pretty catchy, huh? Probably not the best thing, though for perverts to be googling me. Just a little holiday humor.

What I really mean is Laptopless in Las Vegas, K. Everyone feel better now? All you crazies looking for excitement/nudity move along to the Crash Test Dummy Diaries. If you like that kind of thing, there are topless people at the beach in Hawaii. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Here in Las Vegas, it is just me, laptopless for a week and a half. I know it is horrifying just to think about. And believe me living the nightmare was worse. Because just like another favorite blogger of mine, to blog is to breathe.

And just to clarify why my laptop is my most priceless possession, besides my BoM of course, try living in a house with just ONE computer and FIVE computer addicted people. The lines behind the computer station have been longer than to see Santa at the mall. Sheesh.

I have wondered if one can die from lack of computer time to write and read blogs since blogging is my life source. But we have had a Christmas miracle and my laptop was rushed to the emergency room and returned to me via fed ex just this afternoon. Good thing too, because my face was turning purple from the lack of bloxygen.

At one point, I even went to the extreme of writing with a paper and pencil!! Can you even believe the depravity? Talk about a Dickens Christmas special. Good grief.

So I have spent about 8 hours straight catching up on everything that has been happening in the blogosphere, that I was unable to read in my 5 minutes of allotted computer time.

It was a good time to be out of the loop, because apparently people have lives and are not just sitting writing for my entertainment. Who knew?

And now I feel like it is the end of fast Sunday and I must eat/read everything in sight. You may be seeing an unusual number of posts coming from me, because things have been building up inside and may come pouring out. Besides I have this ridiculous dream that I can get to 365 posts for the year. So we will see. Maybe it will be just one more dream I wave to as I ride this train called my life through the tunnel of darkness.

Maybe yes and maybe no. The suspense is killing me. Just like on Willy Wonka. The old one with Gene Wilder not the new one. No offense to Johny Depp, but I am a Wonka purist.

Christmas Present

Here we are in all our glory. At least Diana is looking good in this picture. I love her shirt that says "Just dill with it" by Heinz. Ha Ha Ha. Trent is sporting a nice goatee for the holiday season. Jared still needs a hair cut, but there he is with his best friends, his crutches. And look what is that on the wall behind us? The ghosts of family photo shoots.



I know that most of you will be bitterly disappointed not to get a personal copy of this picture to hang on your fridge for the rest of the year. Dill with it, K.



If I wrote a Christmas letter this year, I suppose that it would start with the statement that it was the best of times and the worst of times. It would speak to how much I have learned to love/hate the medical system. And how much I appreciate great health insurance. And how if you have to be in Vegas during the month of July, the hospital is a cool place to be.

Here's to next year and all that I hope it will be.

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 16

I can't seem to get this picture to be any bigger. I don't know why. Here is last year's picture. No trying to coordinate, no making people wear things they didn't want to, just stand together and shoot.

Some of the highlights from this year included: Diana was baptized with lots of family and friends there to help share the joy. Trent got his driver's license with lots of extra worry for me. Jared tried a new sport, Lacrosse with lots of new equipment.

I spent the summer traveling like a mad women. Trips to Texas, Seattle, Arizona, and Utah. The highlight would have to be a trip to LA to see the musical Wicked for my anniversary. Also I got to shake Elder Holland's hand at Women's Conference that year. And the BYU football team came to Vegas twice that year and I was able to stalk them to my heart's content.

Well that ends our long journey down memory lane. I am so glad now I don't need to write my life history. There have certainly been some memorable things happen over the past 17 years, some good, some bad, but no one can deny how blessed we have been.

Tune in next time to see what we look like this year.

You win some, you lose some.

Ok, here is what I wore to church yesterday. Yes, I am wearing all black because I am in mourning for my team. However, I am wearing a necklace made of what I think are kuiki nuts painted white and blue. Some kids were selling them for a fund raiser and the kind person I went with bought this necklace and gave it to me because I am such a crazy fan.

How funny is this. The family I went with are big fans. My friend Elizabeth knows them and she told them about me wanting to go. They said I could only go if I would sing the fight song and was a fan of BYU. Elizabeth reassured her that no worries "My friend Pat, would fall under the category of a BYU fan". I am pretty sure that I scared this family with my over the edge fanaticism.

Here I am all bundled up for the cold and very excited to be at the game. The temperature for most of the game was 40 degrees. I had my thermals, several layers, hand warmers, and my down coat. Surprisingly, I did not freeze to death. In fact I was OK until about the third quarter. But it was never unbearable and there was enough jumping up and down to help keep the blood circulating.

Here is a great shot of the team doing the haka right before the game starts. My good friend Fui is right there in the middle of the picture. My seat was on row 5 and I was able to see all the action. We were behind the team.Also we got to see the band play. I know my niece who plays in a band would have enjoyed that part. Also there were fireworks and two jet planes flew over head while David Hasselhoff sang the National Anthem and a huge flag was unfurled over the field. Yea that made it all worth it to hear the Hass sing, huh? What I want to know is why they couldn't get Donny Osmond. That would have been great.

Here is a shot of Lavell Edwards watching the game. He was sitting just a few rows behind us. When we first got there they guy I went with said "Hey there is Lavell Edwards, why don't you go up there and I will take your picture with him." I whipped out my scrap book and said "Been there, done that." He laughed out loud at that.

Here is a nice closeup shot of a huddle. We were right on the 20 yard line in row 5. I think that may have been better even than the 50 yard line because you get to see touchdowns happen right in front of you.

Here is a close up of Austin Collie before the play started.

Even though they lost the game, I got to see the first time Bronco called an on side kick. That was something. And I think that the excitement of being at the game in person, softens the blow of the loss a little bit. And honestly sometimes you miss some of the game when it happens at the other end of the field. I may still watch my taped copy just to see what I missed. On the other hand it might be just as well to leave it alone.

So here's hoping next year will be better. I am still a fan, win or lose.

An early Christmas gift for me!

Today BYU plays Arizona in the Las Vegas Bowl. And we all know that means that last night there was another fantabulously awesome football fireside.

Because of my lack of enthusiasm for so much of life lately, I wasn't sure I would go. But I figured that I would regret it if I didn't go and so I forced myself. I even forced myself to be there an hour early.

Being so early, I got a great seat right up front in the row behind seats reserved for the team families. And wouldn't you know if the guy at the very left of my picture sat right in front of me with his wife. His name is Chris Muelman.

There was a few minutes left before it started and his wife went to the bathroom. So I whipped out my camera and forced him to look at several of my million BYU fanatic fan pictures.

First I showed him the picture he was in and asked if he remembered it. He said he did. Wasn't that cute of him to lie to/humor me like that? Then we had an in depth conversation about some of my other pictures and how was the team doing and things like that. He told me that Bryce Mahika, who is next to me in my picture is sick and didn't come. Sadly the fireside had to start so we had to stop.

The fireside was great as usual. The first player Steve Fisher spoke about kindness and trying to emulate that character that the Savior displayed.

The next speaker, Wayne Latu talked about being a living testimony of Christ. He was my favorite speaker, because he made me laugh until my sides hurt. He told a story about when he was twelve and he first really identified and thought seriously about the Saviour.

He was in middle school, and had let his hair grow out longer than his mom wanted it to be. Every Friday night he and a group of friends would go roller skating. They were too young to drive and so their moms would take turns. One night he went and informed his mom that it was her turn to drive. His mom informed him that if he wanted a ride, he would have to cut his hair. He said No, No way. And so he was sent to his room.

He went to his room and was wallowing in his situation and looked up to see a picture of Jesus Christ on his wall. He went back to his mom and said "Mom, Jesus Christ had long hair." To which his wise mother replied "Jesus Christ also walked every where he went". Enough said.

The next story he told was about his mission in Peurto Rico. He had a golden investigator named Pablo. Pablo came to church every week, paid his tithing, lived the word of wisdom, and was a great guy. He even did home teaching. The only problem was that he didn't want to get baptized.

One night Wayne returned home to his apartment so discouraged about Pablo. He flung his back pack on the floor and feel to his knees. He plead with Heavenly Father to help him know what to do to help Pablo. Then he remembered something from seminary- If you want to talk to the Lord pray, but if you want the Lord to talk to you read the scriptures.

In faith and still with a prayer in his heart he opened his Book of Mormon to 1 Nephi 4:12 "And it came to pass that the Spirit said unto me again: Slay him, for the Lord hath delivered him into thy hands".

Wayne said to himself, Pablo is such a great guy this can not be right. And shortly after that Wayne was transferred.

At the end of his mission Wayne was able to return to that area and found that Pablo had finally been baptized. He asked him what had finally made the difference. Pablo said that his knowledge of the Saviour in his head, finally changed to his heart truly knowing about the atonement. Then he was ready to make the commitment.

Holly Mendenhall told a story about how they visited her brother in Panama last summer and Bronco took the chance to take a break from shaving. When they were about to return to the states, he asked her if she thought he ought to shave. Holly reminded him of what he always says to her "All times, all things, all places." And so he shaved.

When they were getting off the plane in Atlanta, someone two rows behind them said "Coach, I knew the plane wouldn't crash, with you on board." Her point to this is that we never know who is watching our example.

Coach Mendenhall spoke about his interview with ESPN and how they questioned him about his statement that football is fifth on the priority list for his team.

He then had a great missionary opportunity as he explained the other four things that come before football in his life and his team.

1. Faith, that is always first and foremost in our life, because eternally nothing else matters.

2. Family, family is something we will take with us to the next life.

3. Knowledge, also something we will take with us when we die.

4. Friends, studies have shown that our friend are the number one influencer in our life, more than parents and teachers.

And finally 5 Football.

The ESPN guys then asked how they could be one of only a handful of teams in the country who have won 10 games for the past 3 years. And Coach again bore testimony that it was because of these priorities that they have had success.

It was a great meeting. And I was remarkably cheered by my attendance. But then the fun part is walking around afterwards and rubbing elbows with the players.

At one point I happened upon these three guys, hanging out together. I cornered them and shared my pictures with them also. Perhaps I managed to convince them of my bid to win number one fan in Vegas.

Some other girls took my picture with these guys.

But I wasn't happy that I was standing in front of the one guy, so I asked for a re shoot.

This one is much better, don't you think? Just me and my guys, best buds, hangin' out. Good times, I tell ya.

Next I wondered over to where Dennis Pitta was standing

I showed him this great shot from back in September. He was injured two games ago and so I asked how he was doing. I have to say that he was not convincing when he said he would be ready to go. I am worried for him.

Also I was instrumental in getting a family to stand with him and I took their picture. They were thrilled. Next I got the girl who took my picture to stand next to him for a picture. It was very fun and fulfilling to help others achieve their stalking dreams.

Now through a very happy turn of events I find myself in possession of a ticket to the game that is on the 50 yard line. So I will now be going to the game. It is going to be ridiculously cold.

I feel like I am going to prom and must spend the day in preparations. Where are my thermals? How many layers should I wear? What about my hand warmers? And of course I can't forget my camera so I can document myself looking like the kid from A Christmas Story all bundled up. Wish me luck. And even more the Cougars, they are 3 point underdogs.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 15

All right then, this year we are getting down to business. The torture method of choice for this year was Forced Fanaticism.

This was the first year the Cougars came to the Las Vegas bowl and so I thought it was an appropriate theme. I sent out 97 cards that said "Go Cougars" on them. The thought of so many people hanging my card up on their wall, made me giddy with happiness.

Of course my two teenage sons, do not share my enthusiasm as is witnessed most plainly on their cute little ornery faces. Bless their little hearts. I would have to say that this is one of my favorite pictures of all time for a myriad of reasons.

To go with my picture, I wrote a cleverish letter using football terms to describe the events of the year. Things like kick off another year, Diana's explosive improvement in reading, Jared's reception of eight merit badges, Trent's learner's permit in the grasp, my husband used yards of electrical wire, and time out for me at women's conference.





And look back to when Trent is two and tell me that he is not making the exact same little mad "V" shape in his forehead? Somethings never change. I just hope he doesn't have this face for his wedding pictures.

Let it snow

I suppose this is old news by now, but yes it did a very strange thing here in Vegas yesterday. It snowed and actually stuck to the ground and you could play in it.Here is an action shot of Diana throwing a snow ball. It should be noted that other than a time or two in Utah, this girl has really never seen snow.

Here is a part of a snow man. Luckily we have a large grass area so it was possible to roll and get a snowman out of the one inch of snow.
I am sad that this shot did not turn out better. But I think you get the idea. This was a pretty big snow man for a little girl to make.

Here is a shot of Frosty by himself. I love the big fluffy snowflakes in the air.

And here is a shot the next morning. Even though it was sunny all day, the little snow man that could, is still standing. Who'd have thunk it?

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 14

In this picture you get to see the full effect of my husbands glasses in the sun. And I think that Diana looks a little bit like a puppet, the way she is perched on my husbands hands. We are standing in front of what I hope will be our last home.

As promised there is a miracle story involved in our last move. Perhaps a list would be the best way to sum it up.

1. Unless we were interested in sending our son to the ghetto high school where it might be questionable if he would return home alive, we needed to move.

2. My husband applied to a job in AZ to be near his newly widowed mother.

3. He interviewed there, and we spent one of the most miserably hot days looking at homes in early July.

4. At the end of July he still had not received an offer. One day I would wake up sure that we were moving and spend the day packing boxes. The next day I would tell myself I was being crazy because we had no job to go to.

5. At the end of one trying week, I went to the temple. While I was pondering, I knew we weren't moving to AZ. I also knew exactly where the perfect house was for sale.

6. The next day a Saturday, I drove to the very cul de sac that I had been looking at all spring. And of course there was the perfect house for sale.

7. Monday I called my Realtor to say I had found a house and could he take us to see it. We went that afternoon.

8. Thursday we put our house on the market at noon. Our first looker came at 7:00 that night.

9. I spent a crazed 45 mins running through my house, sweeping the tops of counters into drawers, and stuff on floors into closets.

10. It worked, we had an offer Friday morning.

11. Friday afternoon, we made an offer on the house we wanted.

12. By Sunday night we had countered back and forth and it was ours.

And that was my miracle house buying story. Heavenly Father is the best realtor ever. I highly recommend Him. Found a house, sold a house and bought a house in one week. And it was exactly in the ward and schools that we wanted.

Trent started 9th grade at the high school he wanted. Jared started 6th grade at the middle school with all his soccer friends. And Diana started 1st grade in a 9 month school so her schedule could match with the boys. It was the perfect time for everyone to make the switch.

Moving is never fun. And it was no different this time. But it was worth it. We had to downsize a little bit, which included our cats. They did not come with us. But really at this time I tried to adopt the mantra "Less is more".

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 13

This year was extremely frustrating to me. My husband was so busy that we could never get together for a picture. Instead, I figured that a shot of the kids would be better than nothing. I did not have a digital camera yet, and instead resorted to the trial and error method of photo taking. This meant gathering the kids together at gunpoint, snapping the shot and hoping there was a shot I would want to send out to everyone. We did also have some kittens available for the photo shoot.

As you can see Trent was doing his best impression of an ornery, obstinate teenager. I was never really happy with any of the pictures I took, also this was the fall that my FIL was struggling with Alzheimer. He passed away at the end of December. So even though I wrote a letter, I never managed to get it sent out.

Perhaps this will be the perfect opportunity for me to publish it.

Once again it is time to share with all of you a little of the happenings around here. The year has been a good one, and full of many "FIRSTS"

Last spring Diana had her FIRST ballet recital. Then, Diana had the FIRST broken bone of our family in May. She had a non displaced medial fracture of the supracondylar (elbow) when she fell off the monkey bars during Jared's soccer game. She then got her FIRST pink cast and enjoyed all the attention that comes with such things. We found a device that covers the cast and makes it almost waterproof, so swimming wasn't completely out of the question. She then was the FIRST in our family to brake the same arm in almost the same place again is September, when she did a cartwheel off the couch at the chapel, while I was in my institute class. This time it did not require a cast and instead I was suppose to keep her from injuring it any further. Diana also had her FIRST day of kindergarten in August. She loves school, especially all the other girls in her class. She also played soccer for the FIRST time this fall. Just last weekend Jared and Diana played barbershop for the FIRST time, and now for the FIRST time Diana has a short hair cut. I was gone to Seattle for the weekend and my husband was gone home teaching and I have no idea what got into the two of them.

This month, Jared became our FIRST child to get glasses. I have wondered about his eyes for a while, but the school tested him and told me he was fine. Finally I took him to a real optometrist, and I am excited for him to really see things clearly for the FIRST time. He is doing well in 5th grade and became a library aid for the FIRST time. The librarian told me that he is especially good with the younger kids and helping them find their books. He picks Diana up from her class each day and walks her to the bus. Another FIRST for Jared would be playing soccer on the big Olympic size soccer fields. He really gets a lot of exercise running on such a big field.

Trent became our FIRST teenager last May when he turned 13. If I wasn't already going gray, I am sure he would have given me my FIRST gray hair. He played his base guitar in his FIRST rock concert. Well actually it was at the scout spaghetti dinner fundraiser at the church. Everyone was thrilled because they raised more than twice as much money as the year before. He then went to scout camp on Catalina Island for the FIRST time in June. His favorite thing to do is play his guitar, which he plays FIRST thing each day. He shaved for the FIRST time this year, a fact that was shocking to me. He is the FIRST of 5 taxi runs I make each day taking kids to and from school.

In August my husband was called to be High Priest Group leader for the FIRST time . Last spring, for the FIRST time he was the manager and head coach for Jared's soccer team. They had so much fun they all played together again this fall. In his spare time, he keeps busy with electrical jobs. For the FIRST time, he has had almost too many jobs and has had a waiting list of people needing his help.

I am still busy as second counselor in the Stake Relief Society as I have watched our stake grow from 8 to 15 units in the past three years. This year, for the FIRST time since Diana was born, I remembered how much I enjoy scrap booking. I love spending Saturday nights watching Trading Spaces and working on my scrapbooks. Our roof leaked into our bedroom for the FIRST time last winter. After several more leaks, we got our house re-roofed for the FIRST time in 23 years. In June we purchased a second car and for the FIRST time since we have lived in Las Vegas, we now have two cars with A/C. In August Marion and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. We left our kids with my parents and for the FIRST time in a long time, we had a little getaway.

Well another year come and gone and we lived to tell about it. Tune in tomorrow for a miracle moving story.

Ghosts of Christmas, part 12

This picture didn't turn out too bad. In fact it is our last studio picture and still hangs on my mom's wall, even though it was 5 years ago and none of us look the same except my husband, who never changes. He is change resistant, which is kind of the same thing as waterproof. Thanks Crash for noticing that in your comment yesterday. (strangely I had already written this, how did you know I talked about my husbands strange unchangeableness?)

I loved this dress on Diana and I hope you can see the full effect of the hair bows complete with boingy curls compliments of sponge rollers. The dress was a super $3 find at Savers. I love that store and used to live right next door to Savers which was a good news /bad news situation.

Jared got braces this year which explains his strange closed mouth smile. He also tried basketball for the first time this year, but on top of soccer and scouts it was a bit too much.

I can't remember what we had to say to get Trent to almost smile, but it worked what ever it was. Trent played football again this year and his team went all the way and won the championship. I think this was his favorite season of football ever.

One of the biggest highlights of this year was a trip we took back east to visit my husbands parents while they were serving a mission at the DC temple. We were able to visit Kirkland also. And of course we did all the DC fun stuff like the monuments, and Smithsonian's. Although I think the kids like riding the metro as much as anything. It was a once in a lifetime trip and we felt so lucky to have been able to go.

A highlight for me from this year was helping out with an infertility conference that our Stake RS put on. I was in the presidency that helped organize this, and was able to meet Ardeth Knapp who came and was our keynote speaker. Too bad this was before I had honed my stalking skills and I didn't even get a picture with her. I really appreciate Sis, Knapp example of still being a force for good even though you are childless. The whole thing went very well and I hope that I helped others struggling with this very special trial.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 11

The year of 2002 decided to torture us a bit throughout the year and so we just stood together in our church clothes and other than Trent, we didn't feel that tortured during the picture.

In what I am sure is a biased opinion, I really liked my Christmas letter from this year. 2002 was very eventful for us and so I am just going to copy the letter I wrote for my post.

In the year 2002, life's ups and downs gave to us:

One Car a Driving - We became a one car family again, when our house was robbed in May during the night and the keys to our car were stolen. Besides the car, they took only a few other things like our wallets, CDs, a camera, and our sense of security. Diana was asleep on the couch right where they came in, and we were so relieved that she was not harmed. It was hard to be upset about what they took, when we still had what is most valuable to us. (by the way this was just weeks after Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped)

Two Years a Flying-My brother came home from his mission after two years flew by. In August, we drove 20 hrs to Seattle (which did not fly by), in order to attend his homecoming and a family reunion with my family. We feel the TV for our car is worth its weight in gold and can't imagine traveling any other way.

Three Years a Growing- Diana turned three in July, and keeps me company all day long while the boys are at school. Her favorite thing is to play with the kittens and make messes. She seems to never stop from morning to night and I am exhausted trying to keep up with her. She is always dancing and will start her first ballet class in January.

Four Years a Teaching- After four years at school, Marion received tenure last spring. He is very happy that the process is over and is still enjoying his job very much. He is also busy in church and helping to coach Jared's soccer team.

Five Seasons a Kicking-Jared played his fifth season of soccer and was awarded the MVP trophy for his outstanding play at goalie this fall.

Six Grades a Learning- This fall, Trent started sixth grade at middle school. His favorite class is orchestra where he is learning to play the violin.

Seven Days a Shopping- When our insurance company notified us that coverage for the rental car was ending, we had one week to buy a new van after our old one was totaled. Not nearly enough time in my opinion. (see #9)

Eight Year a Preparing- Jared turned eight and was baptized in April. We loved having so much family come for this special time. He is doing well in third grade and has started playing the piano this fall.

Ninth Month a Traveling- In September we drove to Mesa, AZ to attend a mission farewell for Marion's parents. On the way there, our van was hit by a drunk driver. After being hit, our van skidded 197 ft and flipped over. We were able to get everyone out and we were basically unhurt except for several cuts and some bumps and bruises. Miraculously we were protected. No one at the scene could believe that we were not more seriously hurt or even dead. The girl who hit us was completely drunk, with a blood alcohol level of .18. We all got to ride in an ambulance for the first time. Since then life has been crazy as we have dealt with doctor appointments, buying a new van, and insurance companies. Life is almost back to normal again, although I am still sore and being treated.

Ten Years a Scouting- While Trent was ten, he earned his Arrow of Light award, advancing to the next level of scouting.

Eleven Years a Aging- Trent turned eleven in May and is looking forward to graduating from Primary this year.

Twelve Kittens a Pouncing- Our cat had twelve kittens this year. Add to this 4 more kittens that a stray cat gave birth to and then abandoned in our garage, and it has truly been the summer kittens, much to Diana's delight. Happily I was able to sell ALL of them, much to my delight. Apparently, I have inadvertently started a kitten selling business.

Well, what do you think? Am I clever or what?

Yes it is not every year you survive a robbery and a near death car accident. But we lived to see another year. So all was well that ended.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 10

For this year we had torture by a professional. A professional photographer anyway. This is one of my favorite family pictures. I think it turned out looking quite nice and I remember not being able to resist spending way to much money on all the different shots taken.

It seems particularly ironic, because I also remember every one being especially grumpy to each other on the way in the car. You know the normal, he's looking at me stuff. So sometimes it is possible to put on a show for the photographer. Here we look like a sweet, loving family. Who'd have thunk we fought all the way there and back?

Some of the things I wrote about in that year's letter were Trent playing tackle football for the first time while in fifth grade. Also Jared played two seasons of soccer and was in second grade.

Here is a quote of what I wrote about Diana then two and a half: "Recently there was a day when she smeared an entire cube of softened butter all over the counter and herself. Then she spilled some milk on her little padded rocking chair. I took that outside and hosed it off. It was a warm day and so I let her play in the water for a few minutes. While I was not watching she put the hose in the house on the carpet while it was still going. These are just a few of her tricks."

Ah, life with toddlers is never dull. And I wouldn't have even remembered this, if I hadn't written it down.

Also my Grandmother died during this year. I drove by myself with Diana to Logan for the funeral. We survived thanks to a borrowed TV and seven hours of Barney. I remember that she was fussy during the funeral and I took her to the back. When I wasn't watching she turned the lights off in the chapel. Yea that didn't disrupt the service at all.


All in all it was a good busy year where everyone was growing up and living life to its fullest.

Jar Head

We interrupt the parade of Ghosts of Christmas past to bring you a post from the here and now.

Last night was our ward Christmas party. It had a back to Bethlehem theme. I pulled out our small box of nativity costumes that we have thanks to my Mom. Knowing better I didn't offer any of them to the boys.

I was showing Diana how it would look. Once I donned my shepherd headgear, Diana informed me that I looked like a jar.

You know like a canning jar with fabric on top of it. What the heck. How does a nine year old think of that?

What do you all think?

As a side note, my hair is looking a bit black instead of grey. With all going on lately, I have never managed to get that little task done. Even though I posted about it over a month ago. Thanks to my wonderful sister and her two day visit my grey is nowhere to be seen. I am hoping that the color will lighten, soon. It was so good to have a visit from my sister and besides coloring my hair, she helped a lot around here.

Ghost of Christmas Past, part 9

All righty then, this year we have the torture by denim. Look at Jared's first grader pose. Such a fun age. And anytime you survive the kindergarten year and graduate to all day school, well that is cause for rejoicing.

Trent even still has a good natured grin. Maybe it is just when kids turn into teenagers that they really feel family pictures are a fate worse than death.

And Diana, well she was still the princess of the family. Only now she was a mobile mess making, TP unrolling, cup board unloading, princess. Just regular toddler stuff. But it sure kept me busy.

Life was still crazy busy with soccer and baseball and cub scouts and three small children, but when I moved to Vegas, I avoided the PTA like it was the bubonic plague. I still helped out in the class weekly, but I just didn't have enough excess life source to give to an organization like the PTA. Kudos to any of you who can help out and do. It is just that I don't do well with bottomless vortexes of need. They suck me in and if I every manage to escape, I am a shell of the person I was before.

Oh and this was the year I was RS president just because there was literally no one else to pick. Our ward was dwindling to nothing, and I tried my best to keep things afloat until our ward was merged with another one a year later.

The previous year to this, we had been a one car family, but this year my husband used his priesthood power and mechanical know how to resurrect our second car, a 14 year old Chevy sprint. It was so joyful to be a two car family again.

Ghosts of Chrstmas Past, part 8

Well as you can see there is a little bit more estrogen in the picture this year. And you can tell that I didn't even enjoy finally having a little girl of my very own. She was decked in pink and bows from the day we brought her home. The addition of Diana to our family was certainly the highlight of 1999. And those adorable kissable cheeks, very hard to resist.

I love the faces on both my boys. Trent looks pretty upset that we made him get dressed up and show up. Jared looks like he is half way thinking about smiling. I look rather skinny, I think. That is probably because I was too busy to eat. Also I did start wearing contacts when my glasses went away a few years ago. And this year we took the torture chamber on the road to Penny's. That always seems to add to the length and depth of the torture session.

Events that year also worth mentioning: Trent's baptism and Jared starting kindergarten. It was so much fun each day as the boys in our family would go to school and the girls would go shopping.

We were still involved in all the sports craziness that two boys bring. They both played soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring. And we added cub scouts and piano lessons as well. And Diana was a good sport by tagging along happily to all the practices and games.

The other noteworthy news of the year was that the 4 cats we had the year before multiplied into 10 cats. Sure that is good news, just like the sailing of the Titanic. Yes, I became a crazy cat lady at the young age of 33.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 7

Here we are sitting in front of our new house in Las Vegas. See the palm tree in the background. Yippee Skippy. (that is sarcasm if you can't tell, I pretty much detest Vegas with every fiber of my being, but that has more to do with a certain little girl not coming with us, than the disgusting gambling and porn that are everywhere you turn.)

At the time we moved our judgement was impaired and so we brought the four stray kittens now full grown cats from our old house that had been born in our garage. (queen of the run on sentence) Just a side not on the move, my mom and I somehow arranged the seating so that the two boys, and four cats rode with my husband in the moving truck. We were left to suffer in silence in the station wagon. he he he

Anywho, I though it would make sense that since there were four of us and four cats, we should all hold one.

What could be cuter than a picture of cute people with cute cats? Well, no one told the cats about the plan or my tradition of torture. To say they were uncooperative would be an understatement. So we just settled for the boring people instead.

We had lost Camille, just two months earlier. I tried several times to write a cheerful upbeat letter about how I had lived through the most devastating time of my life. Most times I have a knack for sugar coating things. But even I could not find away to say: a child I love has suffered a fate worse than death, oh and by the way, Merry Christmas.

So for the first time in seven years, I just sent the picture with no letter. And do you know what? It was OK. The world did not come crashing down, and no one even noticed or commented. Glory be.

And so we lived and were photographed another year. Who'd have thunk it.

The next year things will take a permanent turn for the better.

Same Bat channel. Same Bat time.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 6

Okey, dokey, artichokey! As far fetched as it seems, the year of this picture was a crazy one on the Hamster Wheel.

That summer I drove from So Cal to Logan, 12 hours straight with my boys (6 & 3) ALONE. (I told you I was crazy.) And this was before the age of DVD players or even small TVs in the car. Yes, it was pretty much like crossing the plains with a handcart, I know. All you wimpy young ins with your DVD players in your vans may bow to my endurance supremacy. (of course they had invented ear plugs)

( I will take a moment to appreciate your accolades and applause.)

Since we were still in So California, when one of my brothers decided to marry an awesome girl from So California it worked out well. Then, I was able to host much of my family for Thanksgiving, the wedding weekend. (Funny Farmer was even there) Yes, did I mention that at that time my family was 13 members strong. It was wall to wall people, but we had a great time. After that we went to Seattle to help with the open house decorating.

With all this going on, my husband and I never managed to stand together with our boys for a picture. Hard to fathom, I know.

Instead, I opted to send out this cute shot of my Halloween boys. Here is Trent in his Steve Young costume, my future football player. And Jared as a clown in a costume I got for $1 at a yard sale.

Besides all of the traveling, at this time I had allowed myself to be sucked into the vortex of need masquerading as the PTA. And then there was the weekly class help at school, room mom, team mom for soccer, and Jared's Mom and Me preschool 9 hours a week. Yea, just little things like that to keep grass from growing under my feet.

(Actually even though that preschool took a lot of time, I made some of the best friends there. It was so good for both of us to have somewhere to go and be with friends, three times a week from 9 - 12.)

Just normal life stuff. Thank goodness I was younger and up to the hyper speed of the hamster wheel. Nowadays I have forced the wheel to an almost stop. Hamsters on emotional crutches can't run that fast. Neither can one's with hip replacements. He He He.

See you all in the next post.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Part 5

Okay this picture is pretty darn good lookin, if I say so myself. This year I wasn't stressed out moving, and so I decided to stress myself out with the sewing spirit of Christmas. Yes this year's Christmas card torture of choice was the matching homemade clothes.

And, indeed I made all of our matching vests, bow ties for the boys, and a tie for my husband. This was definitely the good old days when I used my sewing machine for more that to hold up my dirty laundry. When I think back on it, it seems like I was a different person.

The beginning of this year I came down with Guillaume Barre Syndrome.

This is a disease that attacks the nervous system by causing the milan sheaths (insulation) around all your nerve endings to dissolve away. This causes extreme pain, loss of muscle strength, and paralysis. (I was so weak, I couldn't even open a bag of chips with out scissors, now that is suffering) I was lucky because I was never hospitalized. It is a cousin to MS but you can recover from it. I was sick from January to August. Kind of hard to say to a 18moth old and 4 year old, just talk amongst yourselves while mom is sick on the couch for eight months. This was the first time I learned the joys of receiving instead of giving. Thank goodness for visits from family and help from friends. The worst part for me was that my hands and feet felt as though they were being slammed in a car door 24/7. Perhaps I needed this experience to better empathize with Jared and what he is going through.

By the fall I was feeling much better and able to help in Trent's kindergarten class every Friday. He loved that, and Jared loved going with me and thinking he was a big kid. And obviously the only lasting side effect of the disease was my delusion that it would be a good idea to tackle this sewing project.

In this picture, my kids are at the perfect age when they were willing to smile. I love this picture. Trent has that squeezable kindergarten face, and Jared has the impish toddler look down pat.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 4

Well surprise, surprise, Trent is actually smiling in this one. Don't you love my glasses that are so huge? And the permed hair. Yea, nothing dated about this picture. The boys had the obligatory matching shirts. I couldn't pull that off for many more years so I had to take advantage while I could.

We are sitting in the front yard of our very first house. After being in school for 10 years it is an understatement to say that we were glad to be in our own home, at last.

Of course with me nothing is easy.

The letter that went along with the picture detailed how what was suppose to be a 45 day escrow turned into a 90 day escrow. Three months is an awfully long time to be trying to buy a house.

Ninety day story made short:

1. Trying to buy a Fannie Mae house means dealing with government bureaucracy, never a good or fast thing.

2. Student housing seems to think that you should move out when you are no longer students. And they think that should be sooner than later.

3.Having a realtor who tells you what you want to hear, not what is actually the truth is nigh unto having Satan as your realtor.

4. At this point that Hamster Wheel involved a vicious cycle of moving day set, calls to U-haul, calls to home teacher about help packing the truck, moving day changed, call back to U-haul, call back to home teacher, repeated until I cried every time the phone rang.

5. Finally, moving everything into a storage unit for two weeks, in order to be out of student housing. When we unloaded three year old Trent said "I don't want to live in a tiny house, I want to live in the big house." Me too, son. Me too.

6. Living with the parents of a friend (only brief acquaintances) during our two week stint of homelessness. Who says angels don't live among us?

7. Second day there, Trent jumps off the bed and hurts his leg so he won't walk on it. Fun trip to check to see if it was broken including figuring out where the doctors office was. Shockingly the leg wasn't broken.

8. A 90 degree heat wave in LA, and all our short sleeve stuff was packed in storage, so we bought two short sleeve shirts each.

9. My boys caught the chicken pox from the grandchildren of the people we were staying with. Jared came down with them the day after we moved in, and Trent two weeks to the day after that. So the first month in my new house was spent quarantined with sick, cranky kids.

See this is why I can't come up with fiction. My own life has handicapped me with such good material, who needs to make things up. Why didn't I have a blog then?

This story my dear friends, is also why whenever the word MOVE is mentioned I start to twitch. I have PTMS. Post Traumatic Moving Syndrome. If I never move again it will be too soon. And truth be told I have only moved twice since this traumatic move.

The good news however, is that I can be a moving mentor to friends who are delusional enough to think that moving is no big deal. With my warnings and careful guidance, I can help them avoid some of the pitfalls that I experienced.

But all was well that ended well. We were finally home owners and we lived to tell about it.

And I really liked this house. It had a lemon tree in the back yard that had lemons year round. I was so spoiled. The kitchen had brick in it, and the family room had a fireplace with the whole wall lined with brick. I miss that fireplace. We had been living in about 500 sq ft in student housing, and so the 1700 sq ft home felt like a mansion. It was wonderful.

Avoid moving like the plague if there is any way possible. Even long distance relationships might be preferable to moving. Just saying.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 3

This is a pretty special picture for obvious reasons. Our second son Jared was sealed to us in the San Diego Temple, the first weekend of December 1994.

It was an extra special way to start the holiday season.

For Trent's sealing and blessing we split the two between our two families with the blessing in Arizona and the sealing in Logan. Afterwards we realized that as happy as each day was there was an element of sadness for one of us not having family there.

So Jared's special events happened all in one weekend in California and as many of our families as could, came. Both sides were represented.

Events getting to the temple were interesting because my FIL drove me and the kids and my husband went to the airport to pick my parents. Our car got lost at one point, and I was having an unnecessary fit of frenzy in the back seat. Once we finally made it there, my husband and parents weren't there yet. More cause for concern. This is back before cell phones, so there was no way to know where they were or when they would get there. It is hard to imagine, I know. Such deprivations we had to endure in the olden days.

I will never forget the relief I felt when my husband, dad, and mom walked through the front doors. I pounced on their necks as if they were the prodigal son. I wonder if it will be like that in heaven as we wait anxiously for each loved one to arrive.

Of course now in my older wiser years, I realize that all of this was uncalled for. The temple is not an airport. There are no trains waiting to leave the station. They will wait for all who are coming and stressing out is not really adding to the day. Now they tell me. Another lesson learned the hard way. Shucks.

And so here is a picture of our new eternal family at that point. Three plus one makes four. Don't my boys look too adorable for words in their little tuxedos?

Such little gentleman. How cute and sweet?

It is probably sweeter than maple syrup. Just ask Elf.

Would you like some cheese with that Whine?

If you don't want to read another post where I moan and complain and say woe is me, then just skip this one OK.

It has been one month since Jared had his surgery. His incision has healed up nicely. In fact his hip does not seem to really hurt anymore. What is bothering him is his foot because of nerve pain. Because they stretched the leg, the nerve is going crazy.

Because he is in so much pain, he is not getting out of bed very much. I am trying to insist that he do it, and some days have been more successful than others. I am still sleeping on the couch in the family room with him. Last Sunday my husband switched with me and I slept in my own bed. Crazily I woke up very sore the next morning. Perhaps my back has formed to the couch.

Last Sunday I felt at the very end of my rope and was barely functioning. Several factors conspired together to suck my will to live.

One of these was nursing Jared round the clock. I am too old to not get my sleep at night. Not to mention being a caregiver is rather exhausting. In addition watching your son writhe in pain and not be able to do anything to fix it, is not my idea of a good time.

Secondly, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month ago. She had surgery on Wednesday and they found more cancer there than they hoped. (yes, if any of you didn't know, Funny Farmer is my SIL) My mom is optimistic, but will have to go through chemo and radiation. We are still waiting for some more results before we have to go over the edge of panic falls without a canoe. Still, this added to the hurt, heartache, and sorrow I am experiencing right now, not to mention fear and worry.

And as if those two things weren't enough, a dear family in our ward had to return their foster children to their birth parents this week. They have been caring for these children for almost two years. There was an adorable little 4 year old boy named Joseph, and an even cuter little 18 month old girl Emily. Both with blue eyes and blond hair. The little girl was only two months old when she was removed from her home and went to this family for foster care. Joseph was especially fond of Diana and he always loved to see her each week at church.
A month ago a moronic judge ordered that the kids be returned to their birth parents. These are parents who have drug issues and are often homeless. Why it is better to put the kids with their genetic parents who won't care for them, than to have them with a foster family who would cherish and adore them, is beyond my capacity to comprehend. Friday, the kids were taken away from this family in my ward. I know life is not fair, but seriously do I have to be reminded so often?

I have watched and related as this family has reveled in the joy of finally having children. They have adored those kids. I know that it is suppose to be better to have loved and lost, but it sure doesn't feel like it to me. Maybe I was sent to this Sister's life, so she can have someone to relate to. We cried together yesterday.

And so knowing this terrible thing would be happening, and knowing that it would cause me to relive my own pain at the loss of a foster child, well I think it had something to do with my feeling emotionally bereft this week.

These three things combined to be a triple threat that I was unable to rise above. I survived it. Barely. I am still here today, but it was not a pretty week at my house or in my head. I do not enjoy the grieving process, unless it is the denial stage, and it has been unavoidably impossible to live in the land of denial.

Then there is just this teeny tiny thing called Christmas, which may require a teeny tiny bit of effort on my part.

Friends and family are understandably and needfully concerned for me. I seem to be having a bridge standing, George Bailey Christmas. I have faith that I will be reminded of how and why I have made a difference in people's lives and eventually I will come to remembering that it is a wonderful life.

At the present, I am not convinced.

I am trying to take better care of myself. One way was to talk Jared into not waking me in the middle of the night. Sleeping through the night for several nights has made things seem bearable again.

My sister is going to try and come for a visit this week on Thursday and Friday.

Jared and I will start going back to doctor appointments this week, which will force both of us to get out of the house. Dang I will have to go back to wearing a bra again. Last week I just went around in a sweat shirt.

I have come through difficult times in the past, and there is no reason to think that this time will be any different.

Actually I am surprised at the difference a week can make. My husband put our lights up outside and set up the tree. Then my daughter did a lot of decorating and cleaning on Saturday. That is huge because I have thought about it all week, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

A vacation for me is planned in the future. This week will be the last week of school for my husband, and then he will have a 5 week break.

Please don't everyone freak out about this post. It is just me needing to vent.

Many people have told me more or less that I am doing this rehab thing wrong, that I am going to get my son addicted to pain killers and that I am not hard enough on him, making him do more things.

But they are not in my shoes. They have not lived through the past six months. Last time I checked I am still the mother of this child and have special stewardship and gifts to enable me to fulfill that calling. I would be the first to admit that I am not doing as well as I could be. But each day I am doing the best that I can and so I must say "Talk to the hand" to all these well meaning advice givers.

Although given with my best interest at heart, it has made me feel like the biggest loser, and even question if Jared would be better off in someone else's care. It is a hard line to figure out. Look at the movie Heidi, at some point the cripple has to be made to do things they think they are not capable of doing. It is just knowing when that time is that I am struggling to figure out.

Elder Wirthlin said in his last conference talk: "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I have faith that this will be true for me and Jared. We just have to get through each day by breathing in and out, until the next day comes. Some day we will cry a river of rejoicing and gratitude tears.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 2

OK, here is the next year's picture. Look at the face on my child. Looks like I have really mastered the child torture thing, haven't I.

In just one year, he has decided that he is not a fan of this tradition. Actually he was usually good natured, I am not quite sure what was up this day. You will see this exact same face fifteen years later.

I remember having such fun dressing him up in the obligatory green velvet. Such a little man. Simple pleasures. That is what we have to cling to.So, if I haven't bored you to death with my family slides, check back for more Ghosts to come.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

For most of the past seventeen years, I have tortured my husband and kids by making them stand next to each other while a picture is taken for a Christmas card. Such child abuse, I know. At least that is what all the wailing has told me.

Once I have a family picture I have mailed it out with a witty and entertaining letter to friends and family.

Right now, I'm thinking this will be one of the few years we miss. Since I seem to be lacking the energy to shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth, Christmas cards seems rather superfluous and a bit over reaching.

In addition I don't seem to have much to blog about because I don't seem to leave my house much lately. Apparently if you want to have something exciting and entertaining to write about you have to live an exciting and entertaining life.

Laying on the couch with your head under the covers pretending that the world will leave you alone doesn't seem to fall into the great blog material category.

Unless you are Crash Test Dummy, and then she just makes things up or embellishes as it were. But if you are going to embellish you have to have more than one functioning brain cell, which I am afraid to say is not true in my case.

Which brings me to my brilliant idea that I will post many of my previous Christmas card pictures. That is where the ghost of Christmas past comes in.

This picture documents the first year I had a child and felt inclined towards this obsessive behaviour. We had been married for seven years when Trent was born. The adoption process had taken four painfully long years. I had spent seven childless Christmases dreaming, praying, even pleading for a child. In case you didn't know Christmas is the second worst holiday to be infertile, next to Mother's Day of course.

Look at that precious smile. Such a cutie patootie, if I do say so myself. And boy I look like a child. Seventeen years is a long time.

This Christmas was a magical one for me, because it was the first one I had my very own child to buy presents for. And it really was as fun as I had imaginied. Taking him to sit on Santa's lap and dressing him up in cute Christmas clothes.

Of course he did not appreciate what it was all about, but he did look cute in all the pictures. This was also before he had an opinion about pictures, just wait til the next ones I post. Not a lot of smiling going on.

Maybe these pictures of the Ghosts of Christmas past will work on the Scrooge in me, just like it did in A Christmas Carol. One never knows. There is always hope, isn't there?

Crime and Punishment

Finally something good happens in Vegas.

OJ Simpson gets caught and sentenced to 33 years in jail.

How happy is that?

I still remember the 8 months of my life I will never get back watching his darn trial 14 years ago. And I will never forget my shell shocked amazement when he was found not guilty. I even dreamed about it the night of the verdict, I was equally subconsciously outraged. It was crazy because I watched CNN tonight and there were my old friends Mark Ferman and Kato Kalen and they mentioned all the other cops names that seem like relatives to me. So sad on my part. Well Kato Kalen said that this was a karma trial and that Simpson was finally getting what he deserved.

Apparently Simpson cried to the judge to be lenient on him because he was so very sorry. Well I think he was only sorry that he got caught, not that he had committed a crime. And the judge didn't buy it either. She told him he was stupid and arrogant.

So yay for Vegas finally putting a killer behind bars.

I guess what they say is true... what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ...at least for 33 years anyway.

A rose by any other name would still be crazy

First of all, don't be alarmed, I have changed my name to Nutty Hamster Chick. It has a certain flair, don't ya think?

Of course all the paper work and bureaucratic red tape was a pain. But I think it will be worth it. I just hope all my old friends can still recognize me and still talk to me.

And I can't take credit for thinking it up, that goes to Shelle at Blok-thoughts. Thanks Shelle, I think when you get a make over, it is the perfect time to change your name. And Shelle thanks for reminding me that even though I changed on the outside, I am still the same on the inside.

This isn't the first time I have changed my name.

My given name is Patricia. But growing up my family and friends always called my Patty. Once I got married, my husband started calling me Pat. When I graduated from college and started my first accounting job, I thought that Pat sounded more official and financially sound than Patty. Does anyone really want to trust their financial futures to a girl that reminds them of peppermint patties? I think not.

To rectify this problem when I first went to my new job, I introduced myself to everyone as Pat. That was great because they didn't know anything else. The only problem was that I forgot to inform myself about the change. Hence people in the office had to say "Pat" like 3 or 4 times before I would finally realize they were talking to me. Unresponsive. Not really the best impression for your first post college job.

They probably wondered if I was on drugs or hard of hearing or just in outer space. "What's with that new girl Pat? She seems a bit cuckoo."

If they only knew the truth. Except at this point in my life I didn't have any children and so I wasn't cuckoo yet. Actually truth be told, at that point I desperately wanted children and was cuckoo because it hadn't happened yet. But that is a horse of an entirely different color.

So it only took a few months before I answered to my new name. Of course I was still Patty at church resulting in the schizophrenic phase of my life. So confusing.

After two years of leading a double life, we moved from Provo to California and then I became just Pat to my new ward also. This and the adoption of our first son helped cure a lot of my mental problems. But then a whole new batch were born. Another topic for another day.

So anywhoo, to most in my life today, I am Pat, but my family still calls me Patty. And that's OK. It helps me identify which compartment of my life a caller is from by what name they call me.

But I really like the name Nutty Hamster Chick.

If I ever get another job, I think I will introduce myself as Nutty Hamster Chick. It would have to be the job thing because I am NEVER moving again, so that option is out.

Hey and now I can join the secret combination club with CTD and OBG as NHC.

Will one of you IM me the secret handshake and password? And also could someone please post about what all these text initials mean. I am not talking to my seventeen year old right now, so I can't find out. It is all greek to me.

A Much Needed Facelift

OH MY Gosh. Oh My Gosh. I love my new blog header. Shauna surprised me with exactly how it would look, but it is so cute. Especially the BYU logo in the background. And a big Aloha thank you to Crash Test Dummy for making this all possible.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty, and witty, and wise. And I'm pretty because my blog doesn't look like it needs a disguise. he he he What musical is that line from?

If you could see me right now I am jumping up and down doing my best Elf impression when he shouts "Santa is coming, Santa is coming." Nothing this happifying has happened to me in a long time.

Normally I don't subscribe or believe in plastic surgery. You should just live with what the good Lord gave you. But, OH boy this new look is just too fun. A little nip, nip here. And a little tuck, tuck, there and my blog looks better than it did when it was first born.

A GREAT BIG SHOUT OUT TO SHAUNA. Seriously go check out her site and all the designs that could be yours. You totally rock! And you have some serious skills, girl. You have made my day.

Shauna and Crash:

May you live long and prosper. May your piles of laundry and dishes be zapped to another dimension. May a thousand friends leave comments on your blog.

Red Box- Economically Sound or Tool of the Devil

I have to admit that in many things I am way behind the times. I didn't get a DVD player until about 3 years after they were popular. My first Ipod, which in fact is a sansdic MP3 player, I just purchased last year. I have a dress that I bought when my fourteen year old was born. And I still wear it. So it is an established fact that I don't jump on board with the latest things right away.

Probably this accounts for why three weeks ago was the first time I actually rented a movie from Redbox.

There is one at my favorite Smiths, that I pass each time I go to the grocery store. Often I have wondered, why are people staring at that box, and what are they waiting for. It is almost always busy with people contemplating what to do with their evenings.

What was all the hub bub about? I knew family members and friends who used the thing regularly, and still I stuck to my old ways of Hollywood Video.

One huge problem I did see with Redbox, was the whole keeping a movie for just one day. What a foreign concept to me, who checks out videos from the library for months at a time. (Of course the Library frowns upon this, and sends me dirty letters but they are still stupid enough to check things out to me again) And more times than not, I return my Hollywood Videos late also. Why the finer details of life are lost on me, I am not quite sure.

A friend of mine asked me, in a loving way if I had always been a flake. I was not offended, because hey, my behaviour has become very flake like in the past few years. Not even Head and Shoulders can help me, I'm afraid.

I don't think I was always flaky. It has been a gradual process that I would have to associate to when I first had kids. All that sleep deprivation has killed too many of my brain cells, leaving me witless.

So my daughter talked me into trying the Redbox thing. We rented Kit Kittridge, a movie she missed seeing in the theaters last summer when Jared was hospitalized. To correct this miscarriage of justice and avoid a life long sorrow for her, we rented the movie. I have to say that given the current economy, a movie about the Depression was not very well received by me and frankly rather depressing.

And then to make matters worse, we rented it right before Jared's last surgery. And of course that was one detail I didn't manage to stay on top of. You guessed it $13 for our $1 movie. AAAGGGG!

Last weekend I was desperate and decided to try it again. Shockingly, I returned things the next day. I heard the Hallelujah Chorus as I slipped that little case into the slot.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet. But I wouldn't bet on it, if you are the betting type.