Friday, March 27, 2009

Do Over

Okay, peeps. I didn't really mean to post my home sweet home post, yesterday. I thought I had scheduled it to post this morning. Because I hated to pour down posts upon you. And I thought that I would go back and perhaps add to it or edit it. It wasn't finished and completely presentable. But blogger seemed to think otherwise.

And so let me say a few things that I forgot. Part of the nice thing about being in Seattle visiting my mom, was seeing that she is actually surviving her chemo treatments, even thriving, I would have to say. Last Monday, my sister Kris, who lives in Seattle, took my mom and I to her Chemo treatment. It was interesting to see what it all looks like and how it all worked. It is amazing how knowledge takes away the fear of the unknown.

The next day, I was able to drive my mom to another appointment. She was getting fitted for some compression garments. When she had her surgery, they removed 20 lymph nodes. Apparently those little guys are very necessary to removing fluid from settling under your arm. And so you can massage the fluid over to the other side of the body where she still has lymph nodes. This has helped a lot. But the compression garments will help even more.

Can just say how nice it is to drive a patient to appointments who is a willing participant in the whole thing? I didn't even have to put her shoes on for her, or put a gun to her head to get her to change her shirt or comb her hair. Well, I guess truthfully she doesn't have any hair, so that one doesn't apply. She didn't require me to run up and down the stairs to retrieve different clothing choices or clean socks. Well, it was a refreshing change. Perhaps I should ship Jared to Seattle to get some lessons on how to be the model patient.

Then that night I went with my mom and sister to my mom's enrichment. I saw some old friends, I haven't seen for a very long time. One of these was my mia maid advisor, who is one of my favorite people in the world. It was good to talk of old times. She reminded us that most times during presidency meetings we would get to giggly, I being one of the worst. And then she would make us run around the block to get some energy out. I am so grateful to her and her impact on my life and the person I am today.

Someone asked if I returned rested. The answer is yes and no. It was wonderful to have a break from being in charge. But part of my problem is in my very own head. The thoughts I keep having that I am not doing enough, not to mention feeling overwhelmed by many things going on right now. And the awful dreams I keep having. Actually they are nightmares. I really do think that I have got post traumatic stress disorder. So even when I sleep, it doesn't seem all that restful.

Last Saturday night, I had probably the worst one yet. It had to do with Jared being back in the hospital and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. There were other parts that I can not really remember enough to explain. But it was horrific to the extreme. When I woke up, my heart was racing and I was sweating. I think it took me about 3 hours to really accept that it was a dream and try to calm down somewhat.

That is the bad part of vacations, my mind goes with me everywhere. No vacation from thoughts of doom and gloom. Except at the temple. I need to be there more.

I will keep plugging along trying to do things to heal my broken heart, but it seems that there will be no quick fixes for this achey breaky heart of mine. I will keep chasing hope, even though it has managed to elude me so far. Some day this will be in the past. Some day I will look back and think, "Wow that was a rilly, rilly, rilly hard time, I am glad it is over and I am glad that I learned (fill in in the blank)." I need to start thriving instead of just surviving. Someday.


Anjeny said...

Pat, this is a great post. I'm glad you were able to meet your MiaMaid Adviser and visited with your mom and sis. Sorry about the bad dream. You're right, seems like we can never take a vacation from our thoughts.

I want you to know I admire you a lot for being able to put your thoughts organized enough to put it in words and that you are able to laugh at yourself sometimes esp. when you are fighting so much in your life. I am rooting for you.

And you're right, someday you're going to look back on all this and will be totally amazed at how wonderful you did. The fact that you're able to share your struggles and laughter with us here online, I'd say you are thriving beautifully.

Again, thanks for sharing your life with us. You're going great!!!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, Pat, I have SO been there--those days that turn into months that turn into years when you feel like every ounce of your strength is gone before the day is over and that you are slowly bleeding to death and know that one day there won't be enough left to live on but no one even seems to notice . . . It has gotten much better for us and I am so glad to be able to look back at all of that and not still be in the horrid pit with no hope of escape. Get as much help from people other than those who live in your house--as much help as you can beg borrow or steal and do as much faithful living as you possibly can (which is not the same amount as some R.S. sister whose problems are much more ordinary). Hang in there!

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Anjeny and Heidi, thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm hangin.

April said...

I'm sorry you are going through this (still). I have had times when I thought what I was going through would never end. That light at the end of the tunnel seemed pretty elusive. Know that you have a support system here in blog land that loves you dearly and only wants the best for you. We miss you when you are gone. We hurt when you hurt. I will say an extra prayer for you tonight. Love you!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I think your blog name describes your life perfectly right thing after another.

But I'm glad you got to go see your Mom in Seattle?

Did you go to Seattle Grace Hospital? Did you see McDreamy there?

Just wondering! :)

Thanks for being so real and honest about it all! Love ya Pat!

Jen said...

Well I think you handle it all like a champ. And I know I'm not there watching it all go down, but there's no doubt you're handling it - and there's a LOT of it to handle!

Seriously. You actually could have given up by now, so pat yourself on the back, you're a rock star.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Jen, could you please tell me how to give up because I rilly rilly want to. But apparently enduring is not optional if you have a testimony. So I don't feel very heroic for doing so because do I have any other choice?