Do Over

Okay, peeps. I didn't really mean to post my home sweet home post, yesterday. I thought I had scheduled it to post this morning. Because I hated to pour down posts upon you. And I thought that I would go back and perhaps add to it or edit it. It wasn't finished and completely presentable. But blogger seemed to think otherwise.

And so let me say a few things that I forgot. Part of the nice thing about being in Seattle visiting my mom, was seeing that she is actually surviving her chemo treatments, even thriving, I would have to say. Last Monday, my sister Kris, who lives in Seattle, took my mom and I to her Chemo treatment. It was interesting to see what it all looks like and how it all worked. It is amazing how knowledge takes away the fear of the unknown.

The next day, I was able to drive my mom to another appointment. She was getting fitted for some compression garments. When she had her surgery, they removed 20 lymph nodes. Apparently those little guys are very necessary to removing fluid from settling under your arm. And so you can massage the fluid over to the other side of the body where she still has lymph nodes. This has helped a lot. But the compression garments will help even more.

Can just say how nice it is to drive a patient to appointments who is a willing participant in the whole thing? I didn't even have to put her shoes on for her, or put a gun to her head to get her to change her shirt or comb her hair. Well, I guess truthfully she doesn't have any hair, so that one doesn't apply. She didn't require me to run up and down the stairs to retrieve different clothing choices or clean socks. Well, it was a refreshing change. Perhaps I should ship Jared to Seattle to get some lessons on how to be the model patient.

Then that night I went with my mom and sister to my mom's enrichment. I saw some old friends, I haven't seen for a very long time. One of these was my mia maid advisor, who is one of my favorite people in the world. It was good to talk of old times. She reminded us that most times during presidency meetings we would get to giggly, I being one of the worst. And then she would make us run around the block to get some energy out. I am so grateful to her and her impact on my life and the person I am today.

Someone asked if I returned rested. The answer is yes and no. It was wonderful to have a break from being in charge. But part of my problem is in my very own head. The thoughts I keep having that I am not doing enough, not to mention feeling overwhelmed by many things going on right now. And the awful dreams I keep having. Actually they are nightmares. I really do think that I have got post traumatic stress disorder. So even when I sleep, it doesn't seem all that restful.

Last Saturday night, I had probably the worst one yet. It had to do with Jared being back in the hospital and they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. There were other parts that I can not really remember enough to explain. But it was horrific to the extreme. When I woke up, my heart was racing and I was sweating. I think it took me about 3 hours to really accept that it was a dream and try to calm down somewhat.

That is the bad part of vacations, my mind goes with me everywhere. No vacation from thoughts of doom and gloom. Except at the temple. I need to be there more.

I will keep plugging along trying to do things to heal my broken heart, but it seems that there will be no quick fixes for this achey breaky heart of mine. I will keep chasing hope, even though it has managed to elude me so far. Some day this will be in the past. Some day I will look back and think, "Wow that was a rilly, rilly, rilly hard time, I am glad it is over and I am glad that I learned (fill in in the blank)." I need to start thriving instead of just surviving. Someday.