Monday, September 28, 2009

My toilet runneth over!

Once upon a time, (well ok, it was Friday morning, if you must know) there was a grumpy, exhausted maiden who was wont to linger longer in bed.
Alas, her daughter exclaimed, "Arise from thy bedchamber and drive me in the carriage to the house of education. Hasten, for we have languished in bed too long and the time is nigh at hand for the bell of tardiness to ring."

And so the grumpy maiden arose post haste and descended her stairs, whilst rubbing her eyes, longing for a short drive in the carriage, where upon she would return to her bedchamber for a long, lingering, nap, whilst all her children were attending school.

But alas her dream was in vain. Because upon entering her chamber for TV watching, her eyes beheld that an evil wizard had cast a spell turning the laminate floor into a swamp. Yea, verily even the guinea pig hangeth ten as her cage floated across the floor.

In great hast, the grumpy maiden gathereth all the towels of the house and hastened to rescue items of value that were beginning to succumb to the flood. There was much scurrying and bailing. And running to and fro to empty the contents of the room.

And woe, some of the books were soaked to destruction. But by some twisted turn of fate, none of them belongeth to the library, and so no fines of torture were inflicted upon the maiden.

And then the maiden's fair daughter cried out "Woe is me, today is the day scheduled for physical exertion and my running shoes are wet like unto a soggy sponge."

And the grumpy maiden looked and saw that it was true. And verily, the maiden exhorted the fair daughter to wear her slip on footwear and promised to dry the running shoes with the aid of the fire breathing dragon that lives inside the dryer.

Indeed, the grumpy maiden exclaimed for the fair daughter to make haste, for the time was short and the bell ringing was nigh at hand. And so they hastened to the carriage and managed to arrive at the house of education just as the bell ringing started and with out peril to any pedestrians or crossing guards.

The now soggy, grouchy, grumpy maiden returned home to continue her flood fighting efforts. Wielding a broom she did gird up her loins and proceed to sweep as much of the water as possible out of the back door onto the porch.

And hark she heard a rapping at the door. And behold it was her friend with her two small children arriving to harvest her pomegranates, because the grumpy, grouchy maiden hath no time for jelly making. The soggy, grouchy, grumpy maiden exhorted the children to watch out for the slippery floor. And whilst her friend tarried in the pomegranate vineyard, the maiden returned to sopping and mopping.
Whilst sopping and mopping, the telephone rangeth, and the maiden ran to and fro looking for a phone that was fully charged. The phone call informed her of the impending arrival of her new stove from the place of home warranties. This was fortuitous as the maiden could enter a plea to the home warranty place for help in the plumbing department at the very same time. And yea, her plea was of the 911 nature. The soggy, grouchy, grumpy maiden was assured that the plumber would make haste to her rescue.

The maiden was receiving a new stove, because her old stove was old like unto Methuselah and was no longer performing the purpose for which it was intended. Yea, the pilot light did stick whenever the stove was used, and continued clicking for the entire cooking time, whether it be 20 minutes or 2 hours. And the ticking thereof grateth on the grumpy maiden's nerves. And behold the stove repairman declared the old stove to be unfixable, and so a new stove was sent for.

Upon hearing of the new stove's arrival, the maiden redirected her efforts from the sopping and mopping to the pushing and shoving of the furniture to prepare a path for the new stove.

For verily the way from the front door to her kitchen was very narrow and fraught with obstacles.

The maiden searched high and low through out her house for every available towel to be used in the sopping and mopping. Yea even, she began using the magical clothes washing machine, in order to obtain more dry towels.

Shortly thereafter the bell of the door rangeth. And the soggy, grouchy, grumpy maiden hastened to the door and inquired "Are you here for the stove or the plumbing?" And verily it was for the stove.

And whilst the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden continued the process of sopping and mopping, the workman removed the old stove. And they did bestow pity upon the maiden, for they did have great empathy for her woeful state of dampness.

And whence the ancient stove was removed, the maiden looked and saw years of crumbs collected beneath the old stove. And the maiden put her shoulder to the wheel in removing the scourge of filth found there upon. And yea verily the crumbs were hard like unto cement. After some wailing and gnashing of teeth, the grime was removed.
And behold, the grumpy, grouchy maiden began receiving pleas from her son in the tenth grade. Yea, he did text and call her exceedingly often, saying that he felt light in the head and needed to come home. And verily, the grumpy maiden did exhort her son to sucketh it up and stay at school. Yea, and she was not amused at his persistence in exclaiming his impending death if she did not rescue him. But the grouchy maiden was firm and immovable in her resolve that he would complete the day of his education. And his pleas did fall upon deaf ears. For truly she was otherwise occupied.
The new stove was installed, and the maiden saw that it was good. For it was beautiful to behold, in that it was black like unto the fridge and dishwasher, unlike the old beige stove.
The workmen finally retired to their carriage, and the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden looked and saw that the time for the daughters physical exertion was nigh at hand, yea even 5 minutes away.

And the maiden took great haste in finding socks and taking the running shoes to the office of the house of education and bestowed the partially dried running shoes upon the fair daughter.

The fair daughter pled with the grumpy maiden saying "Today is the designated day for families to feast with their children during lunch time. Yea, please bringeth me a BIG Mac from the House of McDonalds as a token of your love and devotion." And the silly, soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden replied that she would do her best.

And so she returned to the task of sopping and mopping.
Verily all of her efforts seemed to be in vain, for every time she looked, more water was seeping up through the laminate flooring.

And behold, the phone did ringeth again. And the grumpy maiden received the news of the plumbers longed for arrival. But woe unto the fair daughter because it was at the same time as the hour of lunch.

Yea and verily the fair daughter did call and plead with great vigor for the grouchy maiden to come hither with her BIG Mac. And the maiden had to deny the pleas of her daughter, yea even though they were many, and the daughter did wail and gnash her teeth at the news that she would have to eat hot lunch that day.

And behold, the doorbell ringeth again, and lo it was the plumber. And the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden did invite him into her abode of sogginess.

And verily, the plumber did search low and high for the source of the flooding, but to no avail. He discovereth not the source of the water. And the grumpy maiden did follow him around and give many suggestions. But alas they could not discover from whence the water was flowing.

Finally, as a last resort, the plumber suggested cutting a whole in the ceiling of the TV watching chamber roon
. Yea, even though the home warranty would not cover repairing the damage done by the hole cutting. And the grumpy maiden did giver her consent for what else could she do?

And the plumber did say unto the distraught soggy maiden, let me run and get a waiver for thee to sign away all thy liabilities. And the maiden did despair, for it is never a good thing when someone says "Let me get a waiver."

And verily, not one hole but two were caused to be cut in the ceiling. But alas, that was not the source of the leaking either. And the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden began to despair.

For she had mopped up buckets and buckets of water, and still there was no end in sight.

And behold there was a plate of brownies sitting on the kitchen counter which were left over from the enriching event of the previous evening. And the starving, soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden did fall upon the brownies devouring many, yea even until the plate was clean.

And behold the plumber did continue his search for the cause of the problem. Yea, even unto the opening of cupboard doors, whereupon items crammed inside did fall out upon his head.

Yea and he did discover that the water had entered the closet of containment, which was piled high with items without other storage solutions. And it became necessary for the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden to empty the closet, which was mountainous to behold. And this at great peril to her life.
And the maiden beheld that the carpet on the floor of the closet was soaking and must be disposed of in the waste receptacle. Yea, even it was dripping with excess water.
And the carpet pad was also soaketh, and caused to be removed. But behold it was glued to the floor and was most difficult to remove. And verily, the grouchy maiden thinketh her back would break from the efforts of removing the carpet pad.
And behold next the plumber discovered the water had entered the cavity that we had caused to be cut under the stairs for the purpose of storage.

And much of the contents of the storage chamber were removed, in order to see the damage that had been done.

Yea, even some of the food that the maiden had stored up for the day of famine as foretold by the prophets, yea some of that was touched by the water flowing into the house.
But behold, much of the food was spared.

And it came to pass that the plumber finally after several hours of searching, yea he did discover the problem. There was a clog in the pipe that goeth from the house out into the sewer. And so when the children had showered that morning, the water was unable to get to the sewer and instead did flow out of the downstairs toilet.

Upon hearing this news, the soppy, soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden felt faint of heart. For this news did concern her greatly. But yea, while the plumber did snake out the pipe, the maiden did continue in her efforts to clean up the mess.

And behold the grouchy maiden did look at the clock, and verily it was the time of dismissal for the fair daughter. And the maiden did hasten to fetch the fair daughter and the fair daughter's friend, who was promised to come for a visit that afternoon.

And verily, the fair daughter and her friend did take the large box from the new stove to make a fort. And they requireth sticky Velcro and fabric for the making of their fort. And the making of it did involve a great mess, but verily it did keep them occupied, whilst the maiden took a moment to sit upon her couch.

And verily, the soggy, grumpy, grouchy maiden did make a call to her home owners insurance, and hence then did inform her of her $1000 dollar deductible. And it seemeth a harsh thing. Yea verily, her husband did say that he could repair the damage for much less, and so the claim will be withdrawn.
At the end of the day, the grumpy, grouchy maiden did lay upon her bed in a state of sheer and utter exhaustion. And behold she slept, but her dreams were troubled by visions of waves and toilets and Guinea pigs hanging ten. And verily she did rise the next day and commence in the cleaning process. And yea it will be many fortnights before all is returned to normal in her home.
But behold, all is not in vain, for the events did make for a very entertaining post for her blog.


Emily Nice said...

my heart runneth over for your tale of woe. Alas I would run to your aid but I must tary in the land north, nevertheless, I will cease not to feel your distress.

Funny Farmer said...

I hate Hate HATE HAYYYYYYTE flooding!

So sorry.

Eliza said...

I feel guilty now for taking your pomegranates and not even stopping to help you. I am a horrible friend.

What a terrible nightmare, exept you were awake. Hopefully all will be well and that your DH will be quick to make repairs.

Cherie said...

Oh my gosh what an overwhelming mess and an overwhelming day but oh what an AWESOME and FUNNY story!! It was great!!
I am still laughing especially the part about telling the son to "sucketh it up" - Oh my gosh - ROTFLOL!!!!!!
Hope things are a little dryer and better.

peacekeeper said...

i am so sorry for your recent water situation. just look at it as a forced cleaning and hopefully purging experience :) good luck to you and at the end of the journey hopefully you will see a much cleaner living space!

Barbaloot said...

Oh dear-I'm so sorry! I hope the pretty new stove makes up for the trouble.

Marjorie said...

I too am sorry to hear about your woes! What a mess. I kept thinking that at least you live in a dry clime where things can dry out relatively quickly. Not so much in the NW. This brought back the terrible memory of raining in our office. Good luck. Wish I could come and lend a hand.

The stove is be-you-t-ful! Happy for you on that one. Maybe the hole in the ceiling will help you get to the new blue paint for the chamber of TV watching.

Watch out for baby Ryan. He's a charmer!

Sandi said...

I cannot believe you had the energy to write that hilarious post after the trauma of the flood! auuugh!

Kris said...

I am so sorry that your toilet runeth over instead of your cup. Way to say noeth to your kideths.

I hope you can relax on Thursday and have a disaster free day.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

OH MY GOSH I loved how you were so creative... because of that I was giggling and then realized you were telling a REAL LIFE tragedy!!!


Our house flooded twice while growing up... stinks big time!


Smart Helm said...

Your writing overwhelms me! I want to laugh and cry at the same time. So sorry for your loss but so glad they found the problem. Can you imagine if you had to be forever soggy and grumpy?

April said...

And after thou did find it was toilet water, didst thou bottle it and sell it to the neighbors?

Homer and Queen said...

Not to be snotty...but I would rather be sitting in a hospital all day rather than dealing with a flood. Oh! I WAS sitting in a hospital!!! Wish I could have helped you clean up!!! I do have a shop vac...

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my goodness! That was so dang funny! lolololololool

hahahahah you are hilarious! That flood isn't hilarious! It's horrible!!!!!! But YOU my dear exhausted maiden cracketh me up!

Your guinea pig hanging ten! hahahah

The Crash Test Dummy said...

You need to add this to your Sometimes I'm Funny list. ;)

Hey, we have been invited to go to St. George this weekend and I won't be back until later Monday. When do you go back to Vegas? Will you still be here Tuesday?

Anonymous said...

this post was too funny! You're a great writer! Sorry you had to endure the flood though.
pk @ Room Remix

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