Wednesday, January 13, 2010

You can't always have what you want, but sometimes you can.

You know how so many days as a mother you wonder if you are even making any difference? All those sleepless nights, and cleaning up messes, and shivering in the cold at ball games. I remember many days thinking, what the heck am I doing and how did I get myself into this? And as an infertile person, I actually took extra effort, yes, even extra ordinary measures to procure these children who since joining my family have made every effort to suck my will to live. I often joke that I don't know which is the greater trial, infertility or parenthood.

And so there have been days I have wondered why, why I didn't just leave well enough alone. Why did I go through all the tests and stress and frustrations at my lack of control, the hoops and years of waiting just so I could endure more pain and stress and frustrations at my lack of control, hoops and years of waiting, as I watched these kids trying to grow up and make decisions and become responsible adults? Never mind footing the bill for food and clothing.

I know that there are others who seem to just love every minute of mothering, but honestly I am not one of them. I have read their cheery posts on their blogs. Truth be told most of them seem to be mothers of children under 10, which might just be a coincidence, or might have a correlation. In any event, there have been many minutes in the past almost 19 years that I could have done with out quite nicely, thank you. But before you call CPS on me, truthfully there have been just as many minutes that were wonderful and happy and for those I am grateful.

Trent was ordained to the Melchizedek Priesthood after Stake Conference last Sunday. This was one of those days that makes you think it is all worthwhile. Over the past 6 years, it has not always been a given that this day would come. He has never strayed terribly far from the straight and narrow, but there were some years in there when he wasn't all that keen on going to church. We have had some struggles and contention even, over this fact. I have spent many times on my knees and at the temple, wondering what to do for this son of mine that I loved so dearly. And I know that I have received promptings many, many times as to a certain action I should take to help Trent grow. But truthfully, to protect my heart, I tried to accept the fact that this day might never happen.

Trent was placed with us for adoption the day before Mother's Day and Mother's Day went from being one of the worst days of the year for me, to one of the best. I have loved him and supported him, sometimes to his detriment as I do too much for him. Perhaps I have cherished him a little to much. We have always had a special bond. And yet every day I have tried to to my best and what I felt was best for him. Even if my judgement was clouded at times.

And so on Sunday, I found my self all amazed that the day had actually come. Tears flowed freely as I listened to my husband bestow this special power upon him and then gave him a special blessing. And then Trent stood next to my husband for the first time in a priesthood circle, as the next person was ordained. It was awe inspiring. Another joyous motherhood moment for which words do not seem adequate.

I am eternally grateful to my Heavenly Father for sending me this son. And for the guidance I have received over the years. Next up, getting the mission papers done and waiting for the call.

I still remember the day they placed him in my arms. I loved him so much instantly and thought secretly to myself, I will never be able to let him go on a mission. How could I ever let him go? Little did I know that 18 years later I would be strong enough and unselfish enough and even hoping for him to go.

Motherhood, it is quite a wild ride, isn't it?


April said...

Motherhood is a wild ride. And I only have 2 children for a reason. One is similar to your reason. And I am terribly blessed to have the 2 that I have. But the other reason is I would go stark raving mad trying to raise more than 2. True. Story. I am so happy for you Pat! We are anxiously awaiting the beginning of Aug for our youngest to enter the MTC.

farmgirl said...

Hey Patty, it's your long lost cousin Mary Ann just doing a little blurking after reading your Christmas letter at my mom's and saw your blog address, always looking for a new good blog read, ya know?

Anyhoo, I remember the day Trent came into your life and being SO excited for you. You had been waiting a LONG time.

Kris said...

Congrats!! I too have prayed and hoped this day would come for you and Trent. I think it is sweeter becuse of the bitter tears to get here.

Amie Earl said...

way to go Trent! we are proud of you and the choices you are making!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

What a fantastic post!

You put my feelings down. Parenting IS hard and I don't love it all the time.

So I'm glad you are also admitting to that because i get shocks of horror when I said it, so I tried to stop saying it:)

Anyway. Congrats to Trent! :)

Barbaloot said...

That was beautiful Pat. I never knew all that you went through for children---you are amazing! Trent is lucky to have you, and I'm so happy you got to experience that wonderful day with him and your family.

Eliza said...

As a mother with 3 under 10 group, I have to say that my life isn't all roses and there are some days that I don't like motherhood either. And with 1 teenager I know my battles are just beginning.

Its nice to read that there are happy endings. I know you've struggled, but I'm so happy for you now. You are a great mother!

Sandi said...

I loved reading this..thanks for sharing!

Emily said...

Love, LOVE, Love, LOVE this post. Congrats to you and Trent, big things ahead, and I love the conclusion, I'm feeling still a little too selfish to send my boys out, but maybe in a few years, I'll be more ready to let them go. It's good to know that you can have a change of heart like that!