Another of life's little practical jokes, in which I consider if pulling all my hair out would be worth the cost of a wig.

Today we had another fun filled trip to a medical appointment. Only this one had a very special twist in which I came close to having a nervous breakdown, so it was extra special.

I worked for a few hours this morning, and came home to pick up Jared and take him to his follow up appointment with the gastric doctor. We left in a bit of hurry. Jared beat me to the car and was sitting inside of it honking the horn in short sporadic rhythmic spurts. I was not amused as I was running around inside the house trying to gather a few things, like his shoes and socks that he conveniently did not put on.

So I jumped in the car and off we went. He hadn't had lunch, but a quick/not so quick stop by Wendys solved that problem.

I have only driven to this doctor office one other time and it was from the pediatricians office, so I wasn't quite sure about how to get there. Minor irritating details of life.

It is right next to the hospital that we went to last week, but after driving there, I was convinced that I had taken the scenic route, so today I opted for what I hoped would be the fastest route.

Our appointment was for 2:15, and we pulled into the parking lot about 2:05. Our parking karma seemed to be all used up. Not a spot to be found, let alone a handicap one. What is with all these handicap people and doctors offices?

After circling several times, I spotted someone walking to their car, and followed them at what I hoped was a distance that did not scare her, but at the same time let other drivers in my same plight know that I had staked a claim to the soon to be vacant spot.

At last she pulled out, and in my eagerness we almost kissed bumpers, but I manged to avoid the fun that comes with car accidents today. So I pulled in and felt triumphant. We would need to walk a ways, but Jared said he could do it.

As I got out of the car, and went to get the crutches out for Jared, an empty back seat met my ever widening eyes of terror. I looked again. Not much chance of missing crutches that are tall enough for a 6'2" kid. No crutches.

I said to Jared, "Why aren't your crutches in the car" To which he bravely/stupidly responded "I guess you didn't put them in". Oh Mylanta.

At this point I called into the doctors office and spoke to someone and explained the absurd situation we were facing.

Yes, we are here for appointment that is in 5 minutes, but we have no way to get up to the second floor.

Does the doctor make car visits? No I didn't think so.

Is it really necessary that he actually see the patient in the flesh? Yes, I thought you would say that.

Do you have a wheel chair in your office I could use? No, but maybe next door at the hospital.

OK, I will try.

As I was having this conversation I was walking through the medical office building looking for a wheel chair. No luck.

So I went back out to the car and pulled around the corner to the valet parking. No one was there so I left Jared sitting in the car and told him to tell the valet guy to just wait to park the car.

I entered the lobby, and saw a volunteer information desk that was unattended. So I went back to where we had been last week. Down several long halls. I came to a door that was stuck a little bit, but when I put my shoulder to it, it gave way and I went back to the surgery center.

It was barren as the Sahara desert. Not a person to be seen anywhere. Obviously they were closed today. So I tried to get back to the lobby, but the door that I had to push so hard on, it was now closed all the way and locked.

Great now I am trapped in side this place. It's not that I don't love hospitals mind you, but being trapped somewhere was not my idea of a good time as I was on a mission impossible. And what would I do? Call 911 and say, hey I am trapped in a closed, locked section of the hospital, can you send a fire truck or something?

Instead I gathered my wits, although sparse at the moment, and saw a door marked "Authorized Personnel Only". Now I don't know what they meant by authorized, but if they meant someone who was about to have a meltdown, then I was authorized.

So I pushed on the door, and it opened. And then I walked down a long hallway full of people, nurses, doctors, patients IN WHEEL CHAIRS. And no one even spoke to me. Do you think it was my crazed face of determination? And it was like when you want to buy a certain car and all you see on the road is that particular car, do you know what I mean? Surely not everyone had a wheel chair, but it seemed like it.

Eventually I found myself back in the lobby, where I felt as if I had just run a marathon, not that I would know what that feels like, but if running a marathon makes you feel like you want to fall on the floor and never walk again after throwing up, then that was how I felt.

I plead with someone at the express check in TO FIND ME A WHEEL CHAIR. Perhaps something in my eyes warned her not to trifle with me, and so she went to see what she could find.

She was not soon in returning, at which point I noticed that the volunteer desk was now occupied. I hastened to her desk, where she said I could use her wheel chair as long as I brought it back. I was desperate. I told her I would be happy to give her my drivers license/credit card/second born son (Jared) as a deposit. She said it wouldn't be necessary.

The good news during all of this is that Jared had lost his phone, and so I was spared the text messages and calls informing me of his impending death or blood clot as he waited impatiently in the car. The bad news is that I did not have my mp3, and even if I did, I do not have a playlist titled musicforthefranticsearchforawheelchairbecauseyouhavenocrutches. How unprepared of me. Surely I could have anticipated such a thing if I were only physic.

The wheel chair did not have any foot rests so he had to try and hold his legs up. We raced off to the medical office building. We sped by an old lady with a walker. On the bright side it was a nice sunny day.

After all of that, the rest of the appointment was pretty boring. The doctor told us that the biopsy showed that his stomach is a bit inflamed. This could be due to stress, medications, or other things. Although he couldn't really say why it was like that, he could give him some medication that would coat his stomach. He needs to take it 40 minutes before eating. Jared is to take it for a week and then if he doesn't feel better, the next thing is to have an ultrasound.

We checked out and headed back to get the car. It was at this point that I realized that I did not have any cash. For some reason the line from Pride and Prejudice came to mind: "I wish that I had saved up money with which to bribe silly young men into marrying my daughters, but alas I did not." Or something like that. I too wish I had a stash of ones which which to tip valet parkers for desparate times when we can not park our own cars.

Do you think it was too ridiculous to tip someone with two quarters? The guy was very understanding and didn't even give me a dirty look, but I wonder what he said to his co worker. Maybe they pool the tips. That would be good, huh.

And so another medical story comes to a close. I suppose I should be grateful for such good material to blog about, but I am not sure that I wouldn't rather be postless.