Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I wish there was something funny about this.

Sunday I taught my third gospel doctrine lesson. One of the topics for discussion was about the Saviour healing the sick and the lame. It got a little bit out of hand when someone made a comment about how if you just have enough faith you will be healed, no matter what. Others countered with the fact that sometimes it is the Lord's will that we endure a sickness to learn something the Lords needs us to learn. Pretty soon a twenty minute discussion ensued with comment after comment, and me running behind saying "wait for me, I'm the teacher of this class."

I hope no one left confused or worse yet discouraged. Bottom line, yes you need faith to be healed, but perhaps you need more faith to wait for the Lord's time table. Every one will be healed, in this life or the next. I tried to explain my wakadoodle theory that all who come to the Saviour are eligible for a miracle. Some times the miracle we get is that our illness is healed, and other times we get the miracle of having the Saviour strengthen us to endure things we didn't think we could handle. Isn't it a big miracle when an ornery natural man/woman, is changed, humbled, becomes submissive, and meek and bends their will to that of the Lord? I see it as an amazing miracle that I am still striving for in my life.

Speaking of miracles, we are just a few days from Jared's hip surgery. Yesterday I donated two hours of my life to preregistering him at the hospital. Today we went and had the blood taken for the CBC, match and cross match test. Don't I sound all medical, just like I was on ER or some other medical show. So everything we need to do is done.

Friday Jared will have to be NPO, which is some Latin term meaning nothing by mouth. No food and worse yet NO WATER. It is going to be a long day for a kid who drinks water non-stop. I am not looking forward to it, and yet I am.

Logically I know that this is what needs to happen. This surgery should change so much of his life to the better. If eventually, he is able to go back to normal life such as going to school, that will be huge. It will be worth it.

Emotionally I am terrified. Just walking back into a hospital made me want to throw up and run screaming from the building. And then to sit and wait for long periods of time, well it brought back too many not so fond memories of last July.

Today when we went back to give blood, we saw where the surgery waiting room is. There were people sitting there waiting with the LOOK on their faces. You know the look that says I hate just sitting here waiting while my loved one is in there where I can't watch and can not control what is going on. The look that says I don't know if I am strong enough to just sit here waiting for even one more minute. Yea, that look.

Friday when we get to the hospital, I will be able to be with Jared before the operation, but at some point they are going to say, "You can not come with us. You must sit in the waiting room while we slice open your son and cut all the bad part of his hip away. You must trust us to fix what is wrong in his body. Hopefully we won't attach his leg backwards. Hopefully the infection is gone completely so that we do not need to do another surgery six weeks from now." These are not words I like to hear.

And of course the most irrational fear of all, that something will go wrong. I really can not stand the feeling of powerlessness. I never knew I was such a control freak. Maybe I did, but somehow I was able to reassure myself that I was just goal oriented. Now I admit it. I hate the feeling of not being in control.

My head knows these fears are irrational. All will be well, it pretty much has to be because I am not a fan of the other option. I have just got to get my heart on board.

Anybody know where I can order a large portion of hope with a super size of faith on the side?

I do have faith and hope, I just need to remember I have it. Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she wanted most of all to go home, and she just needed to be reminded that she could do it herself. One way or another, come Friday night we will know a lot more. Knowledge is power and just knowing will be comforting in so many ways.

I need to find something funny to write about to help cheer me up. But if you don't hear from me until next week, you will know why.


Smart Helm said...

I thought the lesson went just fine and I really liked your insight into the miracles in our life. You do a fine job.
I wish you all the hope in the world. Isn't it strange how we just know we cannot handle it anymore and dread what is going to come... And somehow with faith, hope, friends and family we survive? and even pass the test? Sometimes that makes me mad. Why can't I have a nervous breakdown and tell Heavenly Father... SEE!! I KNEW I couldn't do it?

Pat said...

Melanie, I agree completely, sometimes we wish we were right that we couldn't do it!

Thanks for making me smile this morning.

Eliza said...

Good luck Pat. I wish you and Jared all the best.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

First I love your whackadoodle theory. And I love your whackadoodle blog. You're just so whackadoodle. That's what I love so much about you.

Good luck with the surgery. For what it's worth, I love hospitals. I really think that God hangs out there more than he does in the temple. (Is that blasphamous?) Go read my I Know Where God Hangs Out post! What back at the beginning of September.

You can be comforted there. And Jared can be healed.

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Totally agree with your Sunday School theory. By the way, my worst nightmare is being called to teach sunday school. I think I might move out of the ward if that ever happened.

So sorry about your son! You aren't a control freak, you just love your child. I know I'd feel just the same if I were in that situation.

Now go read Crash Test Dummy if you need a laugh.

Pat said...

Crash, I read your post, very inspiring. You are right. Life in a hospital is rubbing elbows with angels. Thanks for knowing how I feel.

Alyson, I thought that about Sunday School for a long time also, but amazingly I am ready for this and somehow at this time it is a blessing to me. I tell myself, it is only 40 minutes and I have a great ward that loves discussions. So if class members talk for more than half of the time then that is good.

Jen said...

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I just want you to know you'll feel better if you have a plan. You know the old saying "Expect the best, prepare for the worst, and take what comes?"

Anxiety blocks your ability to feel secure. It keeps you from being able to fully access your hope by plaguing you with "what if" thoughts. So my advice? Just deal with them first. What will you do/feel if something goes wrong? Go ahead and think about it. Make peace with it. Once you do, it will most likely get out of your way and help you to know that you really are in control. Considering all the possibilities doesn't make them more likely, it just confirms your ability to deal with them.

The Lord's in charge - you (and your son) really will do fine. Hope this helps!

Annie Valentine said...

Ditto to my big sister, and you're going to be in our prayers big time this week.

Kristina P. said...

Pat, I feel like you a lot of the time, about surgery and loved ones. It's not easy.

I hope everything goes well!

Pat said...

Jen, Thanks for the advice. You are right imagining the worst and what to do could be calming. Having a plan, that makes things feel better.

Annie and Kristina, thanks for the support.

I really debated and hesitated to post this. Thanks everyone for the words of advice and comfort.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Oh my...YOU TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL...you are definitely in a higher spirtual sphere!

Seriously GOOD LUCK with the surgery...

Jennifer said...

Good luck with everything, we will be praying for you.

Kris said...

We are praying for you to have everything turn out great. You need to post on how this turns out.