Sunday, December 7, 2008

Would you like some cheese with that Whine?

If you don't want to read another post where I moan and complain and say woe is me, then just skip this one OK.

It has been one month since Jared had his surgery. His incision has healed up nicely. In fact his hip does not seem to really hurt anymore. What is bothering him is his foot because of nerve pain. Because they stretched the leg, the nerve is going crazy.

Because he is in so much pain, he is not getting out of bed very much. I am trying to insist that he do it, and some days have been more successful than others. I am still sleeping on the couch in the family room with him. Last Sunday my husband switched with me and I slept in my own bed. Crazily I woke up very sore the next morning. Perhaps my back has formed to the couch.

Last Sunday I felt at the very end of my rope and was barely functioning. Several factors conspired together to suck my will to live.

One of these was nursing Jared round the clock. I am too old to not get my sleep at night. Not to mention being a caregiver is rather exhausting. In addition watching your son writhe in pain and not be able to do anything to fix it, is not my idea of a good time.

Secondly, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month ago. She had surgery on Wednesday and they found more cancer there than they hoped. (yes, if any of you didn't know, Funny Farmer is my SIL) My mom is optimistic, but will have to go through chemo and radiation. We are still waiting for some more results before we have to go over the edge of panic falls without a canoe. Still, this added to the hurt, heartache, and sorrow I am experiencing right now, not to mention fear and worry.

And as if those two things weren't enough, a dear family in our ward had to return their foster children to their birth parents this week. They have been caring for these children for almost two years. There was an adorable little 4 year old boy named Joseph, and an even cuter little 18 month old girl Emily. Both with blue eyes and blond hair. The little girl was only two months old when she was removed from her home and went to this family for foster care. Joseph was especially fond of Diana and he always loved to see her each week at church.
A month ago a moronic judge ordered that the kids be returned to their birth parents. These are parents who have drug issues and are often homeless. Why it is better to put the kids with their genetic parents who won't care for them, than to have them with a foster family who would cherish and adore them, is beyond my capacity to comprehend. Friday, the kids were taken away from this family in my ward. I know life is not fair, but seriously do I have to be reminded so often?

I have watched and related as this family has reveled in the joy of finally having children. They have adored those kids. I know that it is suppose to be better to have loved and lost, but it sure doesn't feel like it to me. Maybe I was sent to this Sister's life, so she can have someone to relate to. We cried together yesterday.

And so knowing this terrible thing would be happening, and knowing that it would cause me to relive my own pain at the loss of a foster child, well I think it had something to do with my feeling emotionally bereft this week.

These three things combined to be a triple threat that I was unable to rise above. I survived it. Barely. I am still here today, but it was not a pretty week at my house or in my head. I do not enjoy the grieving process, unless it is the denial stage, and it has been unavoidably impossible to live in the land of denial.

Then there is just this teeny tiny thing called Christmas, which may require a teeny tiny bit of effort on my part.

Friends and family are understandably and needfully concerned for me. I seem to be having a bridge standing, George Bailey Christmas. I have faith that I will be reminded of how and why I have made a difference in people's lives and eventually I will come to remembering that it is a wonderful life.

At the present, I am not convinced.

I am trying to take better care of myself. One way was to talk Jared into not waking me in the middle of the night. Sleeping through the night for several nights has made things seem bearable again.

My sister is going to try and come for a visit this week on Thursday and Friday.

Jared and I will start going back to doctor appointments this week, which will force both of us to get out of the house. Dang I will have to go back to wearing a bra again. Last week I just went around in a sweat shirt.

I have come through difficult times in the past, and there is no reason to think that this time will be any different.

Actually I am surprised at the difference a week can make. My husband put our lights up outside and set up the tree. Then my daughter did a lot of decorating and cleaning on Saturday. That is huge because I have thought about it all week, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

A vacation for me is planned in the future. This week will be the last week of school for my husband, and then he will have a 5 week break.

Please don't everyone freak out about this post. It is just me needing to vent.

Many people have told me more or less that I am doing this rehab thing wrong, that I am going to get my son addicted to pain killers and that I am not hard enough on him, making him do more things.

But they are not in my shoes. They have not lived through the past six months. Last time I checked I am still the mother of this child and have special stewardship and gifts to enable me to fulfill that calling. I would be the first to admit that I am not doing as well as I could be. But each day I am doing the best that I can and so I must say "Talk to the hand" to all these well meaning advice givers.

Although given with my best interest at heart, it has made me feel like the biggest loser, and even question if Jared would be better off in someone else's care. It is a hard line to figure out. Look at the movie Heidi, at some point the cripple has to be made to do things they think they are not capable of doing. It is just knowing when that time is that I am struggling to figure out.

Elder Wirthlin said in his last conference talk: "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I have faith that this will be true for me and Jared. We just have to get through each day by breathing in and out, until the next day comes. Some day we will cry a river of rejoicing and gratitude tears.


Amie Earl said...

Pat hang in there you will make it through this trial eventually remember who loves you the most and all of your sisters loves you as well I wish I could come and help Love you

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Thanks Amie. I am grateful for my sisters and sisters in law.

Kristina P. said...

Wow, Pat, you have been going through a lot, and yet, you always manage to be able to be uplifting.

I used to be a caseworker for DCFS for Drug Court, so I know exactly the type of situation you are talking about. When I talk to people who are thinking about adopting, I tell them not to go through the State because you always have to work towards reunifying with the parents.

But, I did have some parents who reall got it together and had their kids reunited with them, and it was wonderful! It's such a hard, hard situation, and I feel for your friend.

Anonymous said...

Hey Pat its shauna wetenkamp here. I just found a piece of paper that had your blog address on it, I just recently started a blog myself. I just have to tell you that we think of you guys often. You were a big part of our beginings. Whenever we move into a new ward or new people move into our ward I always try to do what Pat did. I still make your yummy jam, and can't figure out your yummy rolls. Thanks for being you and I hope things can get a little easier for you. I feel so behing on your life, but I can see you have gone through a lot!! Take Care

The Crash Test Dummy said...

FIRST . . . OMGOSH! What the? You and Funny Farmer? Why am I always the last to know? So if I could get my mom to fall in love with the old boat guy, does that mean we'd be evil step-sisters (in-law) too?

Okay, now for the serious part. I'm so soooooorrrrrry. I didn't know that was your mom that Lisa was talking about.

Oh, you poooooor thing. I wish I could give you a hug.

Soooo hard.

And then all the rest too.

Shucks. I don't even know what to say, except you are incredible and one of my very very favorite people. I will keep you in my prayers.


Marjorie said...

Dear Hampster Chick,

"Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hears be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;
"Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament--the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.
"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord." D&C 98:1-3

I have a new visiting teacher who is a very sweet sister from Japan. Her mother is also fighting cancer right now but she was not so fortunate to find it early and so this new friend is feeling that the situation is really hopeless. One day she left a little bag of goodies on the doorstep with this quote stapled to it. I put it on my pantry door so that I can keep reminding myself who is really in charge here.

I feel so bad that I have had to dump my illness on top of everything else that you are dealing with right now. Please try not to borrow too much sorrow about it. Waiting for complete test results is hard for all of us. I keep trying to not panic until I can actually see that waterfall and hear the roar of the water. In the meantime I am hanging on to the life vest that the Savior has thrown to me!

Today I am feeling better. Each day is better as the incision continues to heal. I had been trying not to take too much pain medicine but I can see that is foolish so I am trying to stay on top of that part of it. I am still having quite a bit of drainage though it is slowing some. I am sure glad that I can still use the computer and type. One of the things that helps me pass the time is to work on the family search indexing project. In that small way I can help others.

I think you are an amazing mom. You have done so much to help your kids. So hang in there and this too will pass. I just regret that I can't come and put in some more time helping. But I can honestly say that the cavalry is on the way if Jen comes. She accomplished amazing things while she was here! I am so thankful.

Take care of yourself! I love you!
Queen of the recliner chair.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Dear Shauna, OMGosh, it is so good to hear from you. I am pretty sure I just read about you in the church news. I will come and check out your blog.

I am just sorry you had to come and see me when I was having a bad mental health day.

Really some of the time I am the same funny person you used to know and love.

Eliza said...

All I can say is LOVE YA and hang in there. You are a strong woman.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Crash, I haven't really wanted to flaunt the thing about Lisa. I feel a little bit like I have imposed on her party. She is the one after all that introduced me to your blog. But yes her bishop/husband, is my brother. Boy he is one lucky man to have married Lisa. It is funny because they met when they were freshman and then he went on his mission. Lisa and I still lived in Provo, and occasionally I would run into her. Of course in my best nosey big sister way I would question her about who she was dating. Yea nothing awkward about that. Just for the record I loved her long before you did, K. She totally rocks. And I don't know if we could be evil step sisters or not, but it would be worth a try and maybe at least we could see each other at Karianne's wedding.

Thanks for the sympathy and hugs. I will make it. And it does mean a lot to me that I am one of your very favorite people. Thanks for saying that. And thanks for the daily dose of humur over at your place.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Mom, wow is that an amazing scripture or what? Thanks for sharing it with me.

I know I worried that you would be worried about worrying me with your cancer. Don't be silly, you didn't make this happen. You are right we just need to wait one more week and then we can panice for reals.

I am glad that all is going as well as it is. That is interesting about the pain meds. So maybe I will not turn Jared into a drug addict after all.

Only time will tell.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Eliza, thanks for your support. Maybe I should ask to be changed from you VT so you could get someone who is a functioning member of society.

Eliza said...

NO WAY! I love it that you're my! You're the best! I know you love me and your comments on my blog make me feel supported. You'll have to ask Crash if comments on blogs count on the V.T. report.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

Oh Eliza, you made me LOL with that comment. So when my supervisor calls I will say contact with a comment on your blog. he he he

Yes let's do ask Crash what she thinks about that one.

Kris said...

Hugs, Hugs, Hugs and more hugs! Lets all go to Hawaii and crash at Crashs' place?

Whata say? No problems in Hawaii, cept Crash wrote about her friend who's 3 year old choked on plastic and died. As long as you keep from killing Jared, I will vote for you for Mom of the year.