This post was written yesterday, but I never got the chance to actually finish it and post it:
"I think I'm going to be be blue and I think its today, yeaaah." This is a line from a song I'm pretty sure. If not I just imagined it, witch is totally possible, if not probable.
It was a very strange day today. It started at 5 when I woke Jared to see if he felt up to going to seminary. He didn't. So I went back to bed. Only to be woken by several other alarms. Some of them mine I think. You see I got this totally cool, rad alarm clock that I can play my mp3 player on. And it has two different alarms. I just have not totally figured out how to set them to the right time or how to turn them off. Then I have my original alarm which I do know how to use. And then just for fun I set alarms on my phone. That way I can have a wake up time for each kid, and one more alarm to remind me to pick up Diana. So it is very amusing when an alarm sounds and I go through the motions of trying to silence all of my different alarms, and yeah then it turns out to be Marion's alarm. But I digress. Or am off topic. What was it I was talking about? Oh yeah, today and the blueness of it.
I did believe the pep talk I got the other day, but today I ended up talking to several people about Jared's condition and explaining the whole thing, and I guess it was difficult to keep talking about it. I am not quite sure how to grieve the loss of a child's future. It seems strange. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to grieve without any grief or sadness involved? Yea, I didn't think so either. I know it will all work out, but I still feel like I am reeling from the shock of it all. And I am still trying to figure out what this means. A big problem is the feeling of loss of control. Not a fan of that at all. But I suppose it it what this life is all about, learning to surrender our will for the Lord's. Still working on that principle, I suppose, hence the refresher course being given right now.
I should probably just save this and call it my journal, but since this seems to be the only way I write anything, I will publish it. This is good therapy for me to get my feelings down in print.
Also I hate it when I don't feel funny and can't think of a way to make this post funny. It will come back I know. But for now just one more thing to feel sad about.
FYI: Don't use hand sanitizer when you have paper cuts. Just so you know.