Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Hanging by a thread

I want so desperately to have something funny, witty , and clever to write about. Perhaps I could make something up. Because honestly I have lost my smile and laughing place. And I don't know how to get it back again.

Instead I have a hole the size of a Mac truck in my heart where all my hope used to reside. It feels like someone has placed a large boulder on my chest making it hard to breathe. And my heart is racing a million miles a minute. Nothing I eat even tastes very good, so it seems like a waste of time. And why do my feet feel like they weigh about a 100 lbs each?

It reminds me of the line in Sleepless in Seattle. I think that Tom Hanks character describes what the pain is like best when he says "First I will breathe in, and then I will breathe out." It is like you have to make a conscious decision to go on living.

Little things like fighting through the system of getting my car to pass its smog inspection, seem like insurmountable tasks. Although truthfully I did experience a miracle when on the fourth try, it did pass the smog after getting a new battery which sucked away my time and money.

I suppose all this is just normal grieving stuff. Personally I hate grief, even good grief, Charlie Brown. The only part of grief I like is the denial stage. That part is good because you are still too numb to feel anything. I always say that denial is my favorite stage of grief. Probably not a good sign when you have a favorite stage of grief. Not so much a fan of the anger and pain part of grief. Takes so much energy.

I have a niece who twisted her knee and wrote about how painful it was to sit out of her dance class for just a few days. She felt like life was going on with out her. I can totally relate. It seems every where I look, I am reminded that Jared is missing out on things.

Like on Sundays when all his friends pass the sacrament, I used to feel secret happiness watching him fulfil his priesthood duty. And several of his friends made the high school soccer team. We had even considered that he might give football a try. It seems funny now, but as we drove to the hospital, he actually told me that he didn't want to play sports anymore. I think that was the pain talking, but maybe he was prophetic. He can't mow the lawn. He can't sit through school or seminary or church. He can't even put his socks on by himself. He can't carry a drink of water to where he wants to sit. Will he be able to drive? All these and so many more of these things run through my mind constantly.

We went to the doctor yesterday. A new x-ray shows that his hip is partially dislocated. This can only be fixed by surgery. So we are stopping physical therapy. Jared will be referred to another doctor who specializes in hips. Bottom line, more waiting and wondering what the future will bring.

In the mean time Jared and I are having so much fun together each day. You know the kind of fun where he asks me to help him every 5 minutes, and questions who I am talking to on the phone, and why and what am I talking about. The kind of fun where I hear this all day long: Please get me more water, please get my chair from the shower so I can poop, please take my chair back upstairs to the shower so I can stop smelling bad, Please cook me bacon, Please can I have my lactose pill, Please can you get me clean clothes, Please can you make me something to eat, Please can I have a turn on the lap top, Please can you lift my legs into the car, Please can you let me do it myself because you are hurting me, Please stop looking at me, Please stop talking to me, Please don't sing along to the radio, please take me to my 2 millionth doctor appointment. Yes it is just all kinds of fun 24/7 around here. And if he isn't telling me all these things in person, then he texts them to me.

Apparently even when a master is polite, slavery is still a bummer and not all it is cracked up to be. And perhaps that is one of my biggest griefs. I am suppose to be childless for about 5-6 hours a day. I have been robbed of my freedom and forced into slavery to an invalid child and his unknown future. It really bites, big time.

And then there is the part when I am suppose to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. Like his physical therapy exercises, like his school work on the computer, Like even getting ready to go to an appointment on time. It is just pretty much non stop frustrations, because let's face it there is not really any way I can force a 132 (oh yea, good news, he gained 5 pounds,) so 137 lb kid to do anything. Ultimately he has darn free agency and even though I feel completely responsible, I may not have a choice. Yea, nothing frustrating about that.

I realize that he is completely frustrated about the whole situation. This makes for irritability, and sadly I am the one around to experience most of this joyful behavior.

So pretty much both of us are going crazy. This week I am at the end of my rope and am thinking that one of us has got to die. I volunteer. Today I even spent some time trying to research buying a cemetery plot where my grandparents are buried. It is my new dream, that if I have to live in Vegas for the rest of my life, gosh darn, I will not be buried here. I want to be buried in the Fairview Cemetery in Cache Valley. I think it will be fairly inexpensive. But Jehoshaphat, the Fairview Cemetery does not seem to have a web site. How rude! How else am I suppose to make the plans for my demise? So I suppose I will have to go on living a while longer.

Like I said at the top, I want this blog to be all happiness, laughter, puppies, and sunshine, but sometimes that is just not the way it is. I still kind of remember that things will work out just fine in the end. If not in this life then in the next. Sometimes it just gets hard and we need to sit and cry for a while. So sorry you had to witness my falling apart in blog form. I will go back to being my cheerful happy self someday. For now I hope that you will still keep checking in to see when that day will be. If you enjoyed this melt down you might enjoy this one or maybe this one. Unless you are a faithful reader and never miss a post. In which case, could you please comment, because I am starting to feel like I am talking to myself, which is adding to my deduction that I am crazy. So help a girl out, if you can. Sorry to be so pathetic that I have to beg for comments. Nevermind I take it back.


Elizabeth said...

Comment? I wan to go crawl back in bed, and I thought my morning was going so well by cleaning out my oven that I burned Eliza's birthday cake in two weeks ago. Maybe you can convince Jared to have "quiet" time since he won't nap any more!

Elizabeth said...

Comment? I wan to go crawl back in bed, and I thought my morning was going so well by cleaning out my oven that I burned Eliza's birthday cake in two weeks ago. Maybe you can convince Jared to have "quiet" time since he won't nap any more!

Marjorie said...

Pat, please know that we love you and are praying for you and Jared every day. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and maybe a back rub. I would be glad to take a shift of helping Jared with his needs too. Which made me wonder how you can get some respite help. Have you asked if there is any home nursing type help you can get. Even one afternoon to yourself would be helpful. Maybe the church sisters could spell you off some.

And maybe Jared has to just work through his grief about this and learn to do more for himself sometimes. Or at least learn a little patience even though he is hurting so much.

I don't know if these words will give you any comfort, but we are concerned and pray that you will be able to find a good way to cope.

Love, Mom

Lisa (Funny Farmer) said...

We're thinking and praying for you too, Pat. I have no idea what I can say to make a difference. What would happen if you left Jared alone for an hour or two while you went for a walk or got a manicure or something just for you? I'm sure he would survive -- and maybe surprise you both with what he really can do for himself.

An AZ Girl in TX said...

Pat... my tears are for you! I wish I could write it out when I feel similar things! Writing is excellent therapy... and no you are definitely not pathetic.
If you find even the smallest reason to smile, don't resist it helps! And you need some positive self-reinforcement too... I was reading another blog about a gal who is trying to lose weight and beating herself up over it which wasn't helping so she put up a list of 10 things she likes about herself/she does well on the mirror she looks into the most every day and then repeats that list out loud at least once- I've heard of this from somewhere else before too and it can only help right!
Also, I am very unsuccessful at this, but Jared has 10 years on Megan so he should be able to handle it, make sure he has what he should need and tell him it is strict silence and "radio" silence (since he gets around it with the phone) because Mom/Mommy is in time out for a specific amount of time. (I have a friend who puts herself in "Time-out" when she just can't take anymore, and I am seriously thinking about stealing the idea. It really can't hurt)
Ok, I am going now before I turn this into a book... Have a better day ok!?!
Smiles and Hugs,

Pat said...

Thanks for the good thoughts. I can leave him for a few hours, it has just been that we have had so many appointments to go to, that it hasn't been possible.

Not having to go to physical therapy is huge. I can not even say how happy it is to not do that as it usually takes about two hours, start to finish.

So I guess just writing this all down and sharing it with others has helped me a lot.

Thanks for listening.

Jennifer said...

Hey Pat, I finally got my turn on the computer. I love you! I love how well you can write what you are feeling and am glad that sharing has made things easier. I wish I was there to help, big hug!!!


Kris said...

Oh, How I wish I were there to help and give you hugs! Enjoy your break from PT

Eric and Cindy said...

BYU jumped into the top 10 in BOTH football polls. If that doesn't put a smile on your face, I don't know what will.