Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's My Blog and I'll Cry if I want too

I stole the title of this post from another blog. I am like that you know. Consummate borrower.

Ok, for two weeks now, you have all been reading my posts all chuck full with my all positive outlook. "Look how well she is doing, isn't she amazing." People keep asking me "What can I do?" And me with my stupid self reliance keep answering "Nothing, every thing's fine". Well just for the record, everything is not fine.

Ants are circling my house trying to invade. Think Custer's last stand or Clone Wars. There seem to be about a billion of those darn things. Each day I find that they have made a small breakthrough. The other day a chair of mine was completely crawling with the little buggers. I had recovered it, but it is well worn again. I tried moving the chair out onto the patio, but it wouldn't fit through the door. Finally I just cut the cover off and wrapped those little guys up and put them on my patio table and left for the hospital. I am tired of sitting at my computer and feeling an ant crawl up my leg. Tonight when I got home I found an ant on the toilet paper, is nothing sacred.

My pool has turned green and algae in growing like crazy.

The grass in my back yard is getting pretty tall, since Jared is the one who usually mows it.

My kitchen floor needed to be mopped about three weeks ago. Now maybe I should just pour gasoline on it and light a match.

All my bathrooms need cleaning terribly. That is they look terrible and need a good cleaning.

After seventeen years my vacuum decided to kick the bucket. I meant to go and get a new one at the Fourth of July sale at Sears, but since we were in the midst of a medical situation, I never made it there. So I can't really vacuum even if I was inclined to do so. But let's face it when I get home from 12 - 15 hours of being at the hospital, vacuuming is not really at the top of my list.

Trent just asked what he could eat and I said pretty much nothing that doesn't come from a can, because I haven't been to the store for two weeks.

I am exhausted, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am living on instant breakfast, emergen C, and food picked off of Jared's tray.

My electric bill just came and it is $575. Add this to a $200 water bill and pending hospital bills and well Holy bankruptcy batman!

Then there is the daunting task of nursing Jared back to full functioning. He will need his antibiotics every eight hours, so that will be fun. Especially for a person who has never managed to give their kid all of their oral antibiotics in the past. Life is just too busy. Perhaps if I just cancel everything and sit by his bed like i have been it will be ok, but that seem a teeny tiny unrealistic, even unhealthy. I have got to push him to do more for himself each day so that he will regain his old physical stamina.

Then there is the possibility of long term damage. Were any of his internal organs permanently damaged? No one has said, but maybe they don't want to worry me. Will his hip be OK. What about his heart. There are still plenty of things to worry about.

And to make matters worse we are missing all the fun of our family reunion, which I paid for our plane tickets by the way. Obviously I would rather both Jared and I be there in Seattle, than chained to a hospital and medical procedures.

None of these situations are permanent or life threatening. All things will be resolved in a happy ending I am sure. I know that everything will work out. The scriptures say that it came to pass not came to stay. I do believe all these things, right now I just need to vent. I'm having my Liberty Jail moment, and I don't think this comes anywhere close to that, just similar in frustrations. If I endure for a moment he will reward me on high. But also when Mary and Martha cried when Lazarus died, Jesus cried with them, even though he knew all would be well when he raised Lazarus from the dead. This is one of my favorite scripture stories. And so maybe this is one of those times I just need to cry and whine.

What I really need is not people to ask me what I need. Obviously I am incapable of actually telling others that I need anything. Please just come to my house, break in, and do anything that looks like it needs doing. I know this is lame. I should at least be responsible enough to be able to ask for help. But right now I can't. And I am not saying that my RS president has not been great about checking in with me and seeing how things are going, because she has. It is just me and my dang denial that I need help.

So this is my cry for help.

Ok, freak out over, I will now return to my abnormal self, with the mask of competency and faith I always wear. Nothing more to see. Move along people.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Good girl. I am unreasonably proud of you for coming clean.