Sunday, July 13, 2008

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. (Well, my job is done . Your turn)


Amie Earl said...

That is funny. You just make me laugh.

Eliza said...

Hi Pat,
I just got back to a computer and read about all your worries. I'm so sorry. That is just heart breaking to have a child so sick. When I talked to Cathy I just couldn't believe it. I just kept saying, Jared Hammond? I'm glad that she is there. She is great at her job and will help you with anything you need. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'll be back in Vegas on Sat. and hopefully Jared's recovery will be moving along swiftly. Keep smiling!