Ghost of Christmas Past, part 9

All righty then, this year we have the torture by denim. Look at Jared's first grader pose. Such a fun age. And anytime you survive the kindergarten year and graduate to all day school, well that is cause for rejoicing.

Trent even still has a good natured grin. Maybe it is just when kids turn into teenagers that they really feel family pictures are a fate worse than death.

And Diana, well she was still the princess of the family. Only now she was a mobile mess making, TP unrolling, cup board unloading, princess. Just regular toddler stuff. But it sure kept me busy.

Life was still crazy busy with soccer and baseball and cub scouts and three small children, but when I moved to Vegas, I avoided the PTA like it was the bubonic plague. I still helped out in the class weekly, but I just didn't have enough excess life source to give to an organization like the PTA. Kudos to any of you who can help out and do. It is just that I don't do well with bottomless vortexes of need. They suck me in and if I every manage to escape, I am a shell of the person I was before.

Oh and this was the year I was RS president just because there was literally no one else to pick. Our ward was dwindling to nothing, and I tried my best to keep things afloat until our ward was merged with another one a year later.

The previous year to this, we had been a one car family, but this year my husband used his priesthood power and mechanical know how to resurrect our second car, a 14 year old Chevy sprint. It was so joyful to be a two car family again.

Ghosts of Chrstmas Past, part 8

Well as you can see there is a little bit more estrogen in the picture this year. And you can tell that I didn't even enjoy finally having a little girl of my very own. She was decked in pink and bows from the day we brought her home. The addition of Diana to our family was certainly the highlight of 1999. And those adorable kissable cheeks, very hard to resist.

I love the faces on both my boys. Trent looks pretty upset that we made him get dressed up and show up. Jared looks like he is half way thinking about smiling. I look rather skinny, I think. That is probably because I was too busy to eat. Also I did start wearing contacts when my glasses went away a few years ago. And this year we took the torture chamber on the road to Penny's. That always seems to add to the length and depth of the torture session.

Events that year also worth mentioning: Trent's baptism and Jared starting kindergarten. It was so much fun each day as the boys in our family would go to school and the girls would go shopping.

We were still involved in all the sports craziness that two boys bring. They both played soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring. And we added cub scouts and piano lessons as well. And Diana was a good sport by tagging along happily to all the practices and games.

The other noteworthy news of the year was that the 4 cats we had the year before multiplied into 10 cats. Sure that is good news, just like the sailing of the Titanic. Yes, I became a crazy cat lady at the young age of 33.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 7

Here we are sitting in front of our new house in Las Vegas. See the palm tree in the background. Yippee Skippy. (that is sarcasm if you can't tell, I pretty much detest Vegas with every fiber of my being, but that has more to do with a certain little girl not coming with us, than the disgusting gambling and porn that are everywhere you turn.)

At the time we moved our judgement was impaired and so we brought the four stray kittens now full grown cats from our old house that had been born in our garage. (queen of the run on sentence) Just a side not on the move, my mom and I somehow arranged the seating so that the two boys, and four cats rode with my husband in the moving truck. We were left to suffer in silence in the station wagon. he he he

Anywho, I though it would make sense that since there were four of us and four cats, we should all hold one.

What could be cuter than a picture of cute people with cute cats? Well, no one told the cats about the plan or my tradition of torture. To say they were uncooperative would be an understatement. So we just settled for the boring people instead.

We had lost Camille, just two months earlier. I tried several times to write a cheerful upbeat letter about how I had lived through the most devastating time of my life. Most times I have a knack for sugar coating things. But even I could not find away to say: a child I love has suffered a fate worse than death, oh and by the way, Merry Christmas.

So for the first time in seven years, I just sent the picture with no letter. And do you know what? It was OK. The world did not come crashing down, and no one even noticed or commented. Glory be.

And so we lived and were photographed another year. Who'd have thunk it.

The next year things will take a permanent turn for the better.

Same Bat channel. Same Bat time.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 6

Okey, dokey, artichokey! As far fetched as it seems, the year of this picture was a crazy one on the Hamster Wheel.

That summer I drove from So Cal to Logan, 12 hours straight with my boys (6 & 3) ALONE. (I told you I was crazy.) And this was before the age of DVD players or even small TVs in the car. Yes, it was pretty much like crossing the plains with a handcart, I know. All you wimpy young ins with your DVD players in your vans may bow to my endurance supremacy. (of course they had invented ear plugs)

( I will take a moment to appreciate your accolades and applause.)

Since we were still in So California, when one of my brothers decided to marry an awesome girl from So California it worked out well. Then, I was able to host much of my family for Thanksgiving, the wedding weekend. (Funny Farmer was even there) Yes, did I mention that at that time my family was 13 members strong. It was wall to wall people, but we had a great time. After that we went to Seattle to help with the open house decorating.

With all this going on, my husband and I never managed to stand together with our boys for a picture. Hard to fathom, I know.

Instead, I opted to send out this cute shot of my Halloween boys. Here is Trent in his Steve Young costume, my future football player. And Jared as a clown in a costume I got for $1 at a yard sale.

Besides all of the traveling, at this time I had allowed myself to be sucked into the vortex of need masquerading as the PTA. And then there was the weekly class help at school, room mom, team mom for soccer, and Jared's Mom and Me preschool 9 hours a week. Yea, just little things like that to keep grass from growing under my feet.

(Actually even though that preschool took a lot of time, I made some of the best friends there. It was so good for both of us to have somewhere to go and be with friends, three times a week from 9 - 12.)

Just normal life stuff. Thank goodness I was younger and up to the hyper speed of the hamster wheel. Nowadays I have forced the wheel to an almost stop. Hamsters on emotional crutches can't run that fast. Neither can one's with hip replacements. He He He.

See you all in the next post.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Part 5

Okay this picture is pretty darn good lookin, if I say so myself. This year I wasn't stressed out moving, and so I decided to stress myself out with the sewing spirit of Christmas. Yes this year's Christmas card torture of choice was the matching homemade clothes.

And, indeed I made all of our matching vests, bow ties for the boys, and a tie for my husband. This was definitely the good old days when I used my sewing machine for more that to hold up my dirty laundry. When I think back on it, it seems like I was a different person.

The beginning of this year I came down with Guillaume Barre Syndrome.

This is a disease that attacks the nervous system by causing the milan sheaths (insulation) around all your nerve endings to dissolve away. This causes extreme pain, loss of muscle strength, and paralysis. (I was so weak, I couldn't even open a bag of chips with out scissors, now that is suffering) I was lucky because I was never hospitalized. It is a cousin to MS but you can recover from it. I was sick from January to August. Kind of hard to say to a 18moth old and 4 year old, just talk amongst yourselves while mom is sick on the couch for eight months. This was the first time I learned the joys of receiving instead of giving. Thank goodness for visits from family and help from friends. The worst part for me was that my hands and feet felt as though they were being slammed in a car door 24/7. Perhaps I needed this experience to better empathize with Jared and what he is going through.

By the fall I was feeling much better and able to help in Trent's kindergarten class every Friday. He loved that, and Jared loved going with me and thinking he was a big kid. And obviously the only lasting side effect of the disease was my delusion that it would be a good idea to tackle this sewing project.

In this picture, my kids are at the perfect age when they were willing to smile. I love this picture. Trent has that squeezable kindergarten face, and Jared has the impish toddler look down pat.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 4

Well surprise, surprise, Trent is actually smiling in this one. Don't you love my glasses that are so huge? And the permed hair. Yea, nothing dated about this picture. The boys had the obligatory matching shirts. I couldn't pull that off for many more years so I had to take advantage while I could.

We are sitting in the front yard of our very first house. After being in school for 10 years it is an understatement to say that we were glad to be in our own home, at last.

Of course with me nothing is easy.

The letter that went along with the picture detailed how what was suppose to be a 45 day escrow turned into a 90 day escrow. Three months is an awfully long time to be trying to buy a house.

Ninety day story made short:

1. Trying to buy a Fannie Mae house means dealing with government bureaucracy, never a good or fast thing.

2. Student housing seems to think that you should move out when you are no longer students. And they think that should be sooner than later.

3.Having a realtor who tells you what you want to hear, not what is actually the truth is nigh unto having Satan as your realtor.

4. At this point that Hamster Wheel involved a vicious cycle of moving day set, calls to U-haul, calls to home teacher about help packing the truck, moving day changed, call back to U-haul, call back to home teacher, repeated until I cried every time the phone rang.

5. Finally, moving everything into a storage unit for two weeks, in order to be out of student housing. When we unloaded three year old Trent said "I don't want to live in a tiny house, I want to live in the big house." Me too, son. Me too.

6. Living with the parents of a friend (only brief acquaintances) during our two week stint of homelessness. Who says angels don't live among us?

7. Second day there, Trent jumps off the bed and hurts his leg so he won't walk on it. Fun trip to check to see if it was broken including figuring out where the doctors office was. Shockingly the leg wasn't broken.

8. A 90 degree heat wave in LA, and all our short sleeve stuff was packed in storage, so we bought two short sleeve shirts each.

9. My boys caught the chicken pox from the grandchildren of the people we were staying with. Jared came down with them the day after we moved in, and Trent two weeks to the day after that. So the first month in my new house was spent quarantined with sick, cranky kids.

See this is why I can't come up with fiction. My own life has handicapped me with such good material, who needs to make things up. Why didn't I have a blog then?

This story my dear friends, is also why whenever the word MOVE is mentioned I start to twitch. I have PTMS. Post Traumatic Moving Syndrome. If I never move again it will be too soon. And truth be told I have only moved twice since this traumatic move.

The good news however, is that I can be a moving mentor to friends who are delusional enough to think that moving is no big deal. With my warnings and careful guidance, I can help them avoid some of the pitfalls that I experienced.

But all was well that ended well. We were finally home owners and we lived to tell about it.

And I really liked this house. It had a lemon tree in the back yard that had lemons year round. I was so spoiled. The kitchen had brick in it, and the family room had a fireplace with the whole wall lined with brick. I miss that fireplace. We had been living in about 500 sq ft in student housing, and so the 1700 sq ft home felt like a mansion. It was wonderful.

Avoid moving like the plague if there is any way possible. Even long distance relationships might be preferable to moving. Just saying.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 3

This is a pretty special picture for obvious reasons. Our second son Jared was sealed to us in the San Diego Temple, the first weekend of December 1994.

It was an extra special way to start the holiday season.

For Trent's sealing and blessing we split the two between our two families with the blessing in Arizona and the sealing in Logan. Afterwards we realized that as happy as each day was there was an element of sadness for one of us not having family there.

So Jared's special events happened all in one weekend in California and as many of our families as could, came. Both sides were represented.

Events getting to the temple were interesting because my FIL drove me and the kids and my husband went to the airport to pick my parents. Our car got lost at one point, and I was having an unnecessary fit of frenzy in the back seat. Once we finally made it there, my husband and parents weren't there yet. More cause for concern. This is back before cell phones, so there was no way to know where they were or when they would get there. It is hard to imagine, I know. Such deprivations we had to endure in the olden days.

I will never forget the relief I felt when my husband, dad, and mom walked through the front doors. I pounced on their necks as if they were the prodigal son. I wonder if it will be like that in heaven as we wait anxiously for each loved one to arrive.

Of course now in my older wiser years, I realize that all of this was uncalled for. The temple is not an airport. There are no trains waiting to leave the station. They will wait for all who are coming and stressing out is not really adding to the day. Now they tell me. Another lesson learned the hard way. Shucks.

And so here is a picture of our new eternal family at that point. Three plus one makes four. Don't my boys look too adorable for words in their little tuxedos?

Such little gentleman. How cute and sweet?

It is probably sweeter than maple syrup. Just ask Elf.

Would you like some cheese with that Whine?

If you don't want to read another post where I moan and complain and say woe is me, then just skip this one OK.

It has been one month since Jared had his surgery. His incision has healed up nicely. In fact his hip does not seem to really hurt anymore. What is bothering him is his foot because of nerve pain. Because they stretched the leg, the nerve is going crazy.

Because he is in so much pain, he is not getting out of bed very much. I am trying to insist that he do it, and some days have been more successful than others. I am still sleeping on the couch in the family room with him. Last Sunday my husband switched with me and I slept in my own bed. Crazily I woke up very sore the next morning. Perhaps my back has formed to the couch.

Last Sunday I felt at the very end of my rope and was barely functioning. Several factors conspired together to suck my will to live.

One of these was nursing Jared round the clock. I am too old to not get my sleep at night. Not to mention being a caregiver is rather exhausting. In addition watching your son writhe in pain and not be able to do anything to fix it, is not my idea of a good time.

Secondly, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month ago. She had surgery on Wednesday and they found more cancer there than they hoped. (yes, if any of you didn't know, Funny Farmer is my SIL) My mom is optimistic, but will have to go through chemo and radiation. We are still waiting for some more results before we have to go over the edge of panic falls without a canoe. Still, this added to the hurt, heartache, and sorrow I am experiencing right now, not to mention fear and worry.

And as if those two things weren't enough, a dear family in our ward had to return their foster children to their birth parents this week. They have been caring for these children for almost two years. There was an adorable little 4 year old boy named Joseph, and an even cuter little 18 month old girl Emily. Both with blue eyes and blond hair. The little girl was only two months old when she was removed from her home and went to this family for foster care. Joseph was especially fond of Diana and he always loved to see her each week at church.
A month ago a moronic judge ordered that the kids be returned to their birth parents. These are parents who have drug issues and are often homeless. Why it is better to put the kids with their genetic parents who won't care for them, than to have them with a foster family who would cherish and adore them, is beyond my capacity to comprehend. Friday, the kids were taken away from this family in my ward. I know life is not fair, but seriously do I have to be reminded so often?

I have watched and related as this family has reveled in the joy of finally having children. They have adored those kids. I know that it is suppose to be better to have loved and lost, but it sure doesn't feel like it to me. Maybe I was sent to this Sister's life, so she can have someone to relate to. We cried together yesterday.

And so knowing this terrible thing would be happening, and knowing that it would cause me to relive my own pain at the loss of a foster child, well I think it had something to do with my feeling emotionally bereft this week.

These three things combined to be a triple threat that I was unable to rise above. I survived it. Barely. I am still here today, but it was not a pretty week at my house or in my head. I do not enjoy the grieving process, unless it is the denial stage, and it has been unavoidably impossible to live in the land of denial.

Then there is just this teeny tiny thing called Christmas, which may require a teeny tiny bit of effort on my part.

Friends and family are understandably and needfully concerned for me. I seem to be having a bridge standing, George Bailey Christmas. I have faith that I will be reminded of how and why I have made a difference in people's lives and eventually I will come to remembering that it is a wonderful life.

At the present, I am not convinced.

I am trying to take better care of myself. One way was to talk Jared into not waking me in the middle of the night. Sleeping through the night for several nights has made things seem bearable again.

My sister is going to try and come for a visit this week on Thursday and Friday.

Jared and I will start going back to doctor appointments this week, which will force both of us to get out of the house. Dang I will have to go back to wearing a bra again. Last week I just went around in a sweat shirt.

I have come through difficult times in the past, and there is no reason to think that this time will be any different.

Actually I am surprised at the difference a week can make. My husband put our lights up outside and set up the tree. Then my daughter did a lot of decorating and cleaning on Saturday. That is huge because I have thought about it all week, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

A vacation for me is planned in the future. This week will be the last week of school for my husband, and then he will have a 5 week break.

Please don't everyone freak out about this post. It is just me needing to vent.

Many people have told me more or less that I am doing this rehab thing wrong, that I am going to get my son addicted to pain killers and that I am not hard enough on him, making him do more things.

But they are not in my shoes. They have not lived through the past six months. Last time I checked I am still the mother of this child and have special stewardship and gifts to enable me to fulfill that calling. I would be the first to admit that I am not doing as well as I could be. But each day I am doing the best that I can and so I must say "Talk to the hand" to all these well meaning advice givers.

Although given with my best interest at heart, it has made me feel like the biggest loser, and even question if Jared would be better off in someone else's care. It is a hard line to figure out. Look at the movie Heidi, at some point the cripple has to be made to do things they think they are not capable of doing. It is just knowing when that time is that I am struggling to figure out.

Elder Wirthlin said in his last conference talk: "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I have faith that this will be true for me and Jared. We just have to get through each day by breathing in and out, until the next day comes. Some day we will cry a river of rejoicing and gratitude tears.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, part 2

OK, here is the next year's picture. Look at the face on my child. Looks like I have really mastered the child torture thing, haven't I.

In just one year, he has decided that he is not a fan of this tradition. Actually he was usually good natured, I am not quite sure what was up this day. You will see this exact same face fifteen years later.

I remember having such fun dressing him up in the obligatory green velvet. Such a little man. Simple pleasures. That is what we have to cling to.So, if I haven't bored you to death with my family slides, check back for more Ghosts to come.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

For most of the past seventeen years, I have tortured my husband and kids by making them stand next to each other while a picture is taken for a Christmas card. Such child abuse, I know. At least that is what all the wailing has told me.

Once I have a family picture I have mailed it out with a witty and entertaining letter to friends and family.

Right now, I'm thinking this will be one of the few years we miss. Since I seem to be lacking the energy to shower, get dressed, or brush my teeth, Christmas cards seems rather superfluous and a bit over reaching.

In addition I don't seem to have much to blog about because I don't seem to leave my house much lately. Apparently if you want to have something exciting and entertaining to write about you have to live an exciting and entertaining life.

Laying on the couch with your head under the covers pretending that the world will leave you alone doesn't seem to fall into the great blog material category.

Unless you are Crash Test Dummy, and then she just makes things up or embellishes as it were. But if you are going to embellish you have to have more than one functioning brain cell, which I am afraid to say is not true in my case.

Which brings me to my brilliant idea that I will post many of my previous Christmas card pictures. That is where the ghost of Christmas past comes in.

This picture documents the first year I had a child and felt inclined towards this obsessive behaviour. We had been married for seven years when Trent was born. The adoption process had taken four painfully long years. I had spent seven childless Christmases dreaming, praying, even pleading for a child. In case you didn't know Christmas is the second worst holiday to be infertile, next to Mother's Day of course.

Look at that precious smile. Such a cutie patootie, if I do say so myself. And boy I look like a child. Seventeen years is a long time.

This Christmas was a magical one for me, because it was the first one I had my very own child to buy presents for. And it really was as fun as I had imaginied. Taking him to sit on Santa's lap and dressing him up in cute Christmas clothes.

Of course he did not appreciate what it was all about, but he did look cute in all the pictures. This was also before he had an opinion about pictures, just wait til the next ones I post. Not a lot of smiling going on.

Maybe these pictures of the Ghosts of Christmas past will work on the Scrooge in me, just like it did in A Christmas Carol. One never knows. There is always hope, isn't there?

Crime and Punishment

Finally something good happens in Vegas.

OJ Simpson gets caught and sentenced to 33 years in jail.

How happy is that?

I still remember the 8 months of my life I will never get back watching his darn trial 14 years ago. And I will never forget my shell shocked amazement when he was found not guilty. I even dreamed about it the night of the verdict, I was equally subconsciously outraged. It was crazy because I watched CNN tonight and there were my old friends Mark Ferman and Kato Kalen and they mentioned all the other cops names that seem like relatives to me. So sad on my part. Well Kato Kalen said that this was a karma trial and that Simpson was finally getting what he deserved.

Apparently Simpson cried to the judge to be lenient on him because he was so very sorry. Well I think he was only sorry that he got caught, not that he had committed a crime. And the judge didn't buy it either. She told him he was stupid and arrogant.

So yay for Vegas finally putting a killer behind bars.

I guess what they say is true... what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ...at least for 33 years anyway.

A rose by any other name would still be crazy

First of all, don't be alarmed, I have changed my name to Nutty Hamster Chick. It has a certain flair, don't ya think?

Of course all the paper work and bureaucratic red tape was a pain. But I think it will be worth it. I just hope all my old friends can still recognize me and still talk to me.

And I can't take credit for thinking it up, that goes to Shelle at Blok-thoughts. Thanks Shelle, I think when you get a make over, it is the perfect time to change your name. And Shelle thanks for reminding me that even though I changed on the outside, I am still the same on the inside.

This isn't the first time I have changed my name.

My given name is Patricia. But growing up my family and friends always called my Patty. Once I got married, my husband started calling me Pat. When I graduated from college and started my first accounting job, I thought that Pat sounded more official and financially sound than Patty. Does anyone really want to trust their financial futures to a girl that reminds them of peppermint patties? I think not.

To rectify this problem when I first went to my new job, I introduced myself to everyone as Pat. That was great because they didn't know anything else. The only problem was that I forgot to inform myself about the change. Hence people in the office had to say "Pat" like 3 or 4 times before I would finally realize they were talking to me. Unresponsive. Not really the best impression for your first post college job.

They probably wondered if I was on drugs or hard of hearing or just in outer space. "What's with that new girl Pat? She seems a bit cuckoo."

If they only knew the truth. Except at this point in my life I didn't have any children and so I wasn't cuckoo yet. Actually truth be told, at that point I desperately wanted children and was cuckoo because it hadn't happened yet. But that is a horse of an entirely different color.

So it only took a few months before I answered to my new name. Of course I was still Patty at church resulting in the schizophrenic phase of my life. So confusing.

After two years of leading a double life, we moved from Provo to California and then I became just Pat to my new ward also. This and the adoption of our first son helped cure a lot of my mental problems. But then a whole new batch were born. Another topic for another day.

So anywhoo, to most in my life today, I am Pat, but my family still calls me Patty. And that's OK. It helps me identify which compartment of my life a caller is from by what name they call me.

But I really like the name Nutty Hamster Chick.

If I ever get another job, I think I will introduce myself as Nutty Hamster Chick. It would have to be the job thing because I am NEVER moving again, so that option is out.

Hey and now I can join the secret combination club with CTD and OBG as NHC.

Will one of you IM me the secret handshake and password? And also could someone please post about what all these text initials mean. I am not talking to my seventeen year old right now, so I can't find out. It is all greek to me.

A Much Needed Facelift

OH MY Gosh. Oh My Gosh. I love my new blog header. Shauna surprised me with exactly how it would look, but it is so cute. Especially the BYU logo in the background. And a big Aloha thank you to Crash Test Dummy for making this all possible.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, oh so pretty, and witty, and wise. And I'm pretty because my blog doesn't look like it needs a disguise. he he he What musical is that line from?

If you could see me right now I am jumping up and down doing my best Elf impression when he shouts "Santa is coming, Santa is coming." Nothing this happifying has happened to me in a long time.

Normally I don't subscribe or believe in plastic surgery. You should just live with what the good Lord gave you. But, OH boy this new look is just too fun. A little nip, nip here. And a little tuck, tuck, there and my blog looks better than it did when it was first born.

A GREAT BIG SHOUT OUT TO SHAUNA. Seriously go check out her site and all the designs that could be yours. You totally rock! And you have some serious skills, girl. You have made my day.

Shauna and Crash:

May you live long and prosper. May your piles of laundry and dishes be zapped to another dimension. May a thousand friends leave comments on your blog.

Red Box- Economically Sound or Tool of the Devil

I have to admit that in many things I am way behind the times. I didn't get a DVD player until about 3 years after they were popular. My first Ipod, which in fact is a sansdic MP3 player, I just purchased last year. I have a dress that I bought when my fourteen year old was born. And I still wear it. So it is an established fact that I don't jump on board with the latest things right away.

Probably this accounts for why three weeks ago was the first time I actually rented a movie from Redbox.

There is one at my favorite Smiths, that I pass each time I go to the grocery store. Often I have wondered, why are people staring at that box, and what are they waiting for. It is almost always busy with people contemplating what to do with their evenings.

What was all the hub bub about? I knew family members and friends who used the thing regularly, and still I stuck to my old ways of Hollywood Video.

One huge problem I did see with Redbox, was the whole keeping a movie for just one day. What a foreign concept to me, who checks out videos from the library for months at a time. (Of course the Library frowns upon this, and sends me dirty letters but they are still stupid enough to check things out to me again) And more times than not, I return my Hollywood Videos late also. Why the finer details of life are lost on me, I am not quite sure.

A friend of mine asked me, in a loving way if I had always been a flake. I was not offended, because hey, my behaviour has become very flake like in the past few years. Not even Head and Shoulders can help me, I'm afraid.

I don't think I was always flaky. It has been a gradual process that I would have to associate to when I first had kids. All that sleep deprivation has killed too many of my brain cells, leaving me witless.

So my daughter talked me into trying the Redbox thing. We rented Kit Kittridge, a movie she missed seeing in the theaters last summer when Jared was hospitalized. To correct this miscarriage of justice and avoid a life long sorrow for her, we rented the movie. I have to say that given the current economy, a movie about the Depression was not very well received by me and frankly rather depressing.

And then to make matters worse, we rented it right before Jared's last surgery. And of course that was one detail I didn't manage to stay on top of. You guessed it $13 for our $1 movie. AAAGGGG!

Last weekend I was desperate and decided to try it again. Shockingly, I returned things the next day. I heard the Hallelujah Chorus as I slipped that little case into the slot.

Perhaps there is hope for me yet. But I wouldn't bet on it, if you are the betting type.

Sunday Song to Uplift and Inspire

I love this song sung by Mindy Gledhill from the CD Nashville Band Tribute to the Prophet Joseph Smith. When I first saw this band perform at women's conference, I was captivated by the message of their songs. This particular song is one of my favs. If you haven't heard it before, you should check out their CD. And I am not being paid to say that.



I am amazed at all that Emma was called to go through. The loss of children must have been especially difficult and I can relate to her in some small way. Personally I am very grateful for the sacrifices she made in my behalf.

Especially I am benefited today by Relief Society. Once there was a young married sister in my ward. She shared how her mother had died when she was just 15. Understandably, this was incredibly difficult for her. She wondered how she would get through the rest of her life with out the support and guidance of a mother. When she turned 18 and started attending Relief Society, she realized that the Lord had provided her the help she needed. Relief Society was her mother.

I have never looked at Relief Society the same since hearing that story.

Drugs, Animal Crackers, and Holiday Movies

I have been rather mum, probably because I have felt rather glum.

Sometimes I subscribe to the theory that if you can't say anything funny, don't say anything at all.

But I have thought of a few things that make me smile and so in desperation to say something, I will talk about random things that have nothing to do with each other.

Percoset. After complaining to the doctor about Jared's pain which seems to be linked to my pain like an umbilical cord, they gave him a prescription for something stronger than the Loritab.

Of course because of strict drug laws, they couldn't call it in to my pharmacy a mile from my house. Instead I had to drive 10 miles through a down pour and day before Thanksgiving traffic to my doctors office. Indeed I would have crawled on my hands and knees to get something to help him sleep better.

Once I got to the office, the nice secretary told me that the nurse was gone for lunch, and no she had no idea how soon she would be back. I was desperate. I told her it was a matter of life and death and sanity. So I waited.

All in all including driving time, it only took two hours of my day. What else was I going to do, bake pies or something?

Eventually I was victorious after the trip to the pharmacy. Nothing says bonding mother/son time like drugs. Perhaps I will win the best mom award for pushing drugs on my son.

The Percoset doesn't take the pain away, but it makes it so he doesn't care about it quite so much.

Animal Crackers. At a recent jungle themed baby shower, I came home with an adorable box of animal crackers. Honestly I can't remember the last time I had some of these. Because I was starving and exhausted the next day, I ate them for lunch. They were remarkably delicious.

Perhaps it was the happy childhood memories that the taste invoked, but I loved them. Who doesn't love cookies shaped like monkeys, camels, and hippopotamus. Maybe it was the image of Shirley Temple singing "Animal Crackers in my Soup," that made me smile.

Anywho, at this point in my life I will take a smile anyway I can get it.

Phych and Monk. On a week where many of my favorite shows took a bye on a new episode, my old friends from USA decided to pull out the Christmas holiday spirit with brand new shows.

I think the world could be ending and I would still laugh out loud at my good friend Sean Spencer. There were so many of those precious moments in last nights episode for which I am very grateful. I love the banter between Sean and Gus. And the scene at the end where Sean exchanged gifts with his dad made me LOL again.

If you have never seen these shows, rent the DVDs. You are seriously missing out.

Elf. Since I never left the house for most of the weekend, I watched way to many movies while sitting on my couch. From Christmas with the Kranks to Home Alone, nothing says Christmas silly, giddiness quite like Elf. I actually had to be talked into watching this movie the first time. Now if I could only get half of the Christmas spirit that Elf has, I would be set for the Holidays.

If I had been inclined to wrestle the changer away from my son and watch something other than FX, I would have chosen to watch the movies I remember watching at Thanksgiving as a youth.

For all of you young whippersnappers, there was a time when there was no such thing as VHS or DVDS and you were at the mercy of the TV producers to choose what and when you would watch something. I know the horror. Boy such a hard childhood, walking uphill in the snow both to and from school. It seems like I remember watching movies like Dr. Doolittle or Sound of Music on Holiday weekends. And Wizard of Oz at Easter time, if my memory is accurate. This weekend I would have added White Christmas and maybe Seven Brides for Seven Brothers if I had my druthers.

No holiday gathering would be complete without the barn raising/dance/fistfight scene from Seven Brides.

And if that doesn't do it for you, nothing says Christmas like Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. Who can resist them lip syncing with the blue feather fans, hair clips and best of all the garter belts holding up their socks?

So if this doesn't put you in the holiday spirit, well then you are in the same kettle of fish as me. Maybe I will follow the Kranks idea where they decided to just say no to Christmas. I can think of a few children in this house who would definitely veto that idea. Oh well I guess I will just have to fake it til I make it, this year.

Pat's Repondering

I gave the following talk last August after we had been in the hospital with Jared for almost a month.

Given recent life events, both shared and unshared, I have felt in the depths of despair and was prompted to reread this talk. Remembering the times when our faith cups are full is key, I think, to enduring well the times when that same cup seems a bit lacking in the fullness department.

And since I am out of cute puppy pictures to post, I thought I would repost this talk as well.

Just skip it, if you remember reading it last August or if your life is just hunky dory and you have no reason to be reminded about how trials are good for us.

Just keep checking back now and then and the hilarious, entertaining old me may return. I hope so, no one misses her more than me.

Enduring Well Trials and Adversity

In my favorite hymn, "How Firm a Foundation", verse two states:

In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

The last week of June, Jared was sick with a pain in his right leg and some flu like symptoms. Seven hours at urgent care diagnosed him with a sprained muscle and the flu. We went home with crutches and ibuprofen.

Four days later, he was much sicker. We went back to urgent care. When we first arrived there, his blood pressure was 63/40. He was quickly transported to UMC. Soon it was determined that he had septic shock, or blood poisoning due to a staff infection. Surgery was performed that night to remove his appendix, but this proved to be perfectly healthy. His appendix, was not the cause of his infection.

After a day of heroic efforts to keep his heart going, it was discovered, that he had a pocket of infection in his right hip. Surgery was performed that night, to drain the infection.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

Spencer W. Kimball said: "Patience in suffering cleanses the soul. I’m grateful that my priesthood power is limited and used as the Lord sees fit to use it. I don’t want to heal all the sick...for sickness sometimes is a great blessing. People become angels through sickness."

Before we left for the hospital, Jared received a blessing. In that blessing Marion, promised Jared that the doctors would be able to find out what was wrong. There was a tangible feeling of peace and comfort. I was very concerned and worried about him, and yet I felt that things would be OK. What a blessing the priesthood is in our lives and the Comforter has value beyond measure.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

Neal A. Maxwell said: "Rather than simply passing through these things, they must pass through us and do so in ways which sanctify these experiences for our good."

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

In the next two days, Jared would go through two more surgeries to remove more pockets of infection. During this time, he was asleep, as machines worked to pump his heart and breathe for him, so his body could fight the infection.

George Q. Cannon said: "I know that everything will be overruled for our good if we do right. No matter how difficult circumstances may be to bear at the time, they are for our good and God watches over us; His angels are round about us all the time."

I truly felt this, at this difficult time at the hospital. So many people were praying for us, I know this made a huge impact on how we managed to cope with such a frightening experience. Truly I felt ward members reaching out to help bear my burden. Dinners were brought, my house was cleaned, cards received, and calls of support all made such a difference. I am so grateful for my ward family who were here to help, when my immediate family were so far away.

Robert D. Hales said: "We are taught in the scriptures that there must be opposition in all things. It is not a question of if we are ready for the tests; it is a matter of when. We must prepare to be ready for tests that will present themselves without warning."

We have a tradition at our house each Christmas of putting together puzzles. I absolutely love the thrill of taking a huge pile of pieces and figuring out how they all go together to make a beautiful picture. My kids hate it when I do puzzles because they ask me to help them with something, and I say just let me find one more piece.

One of the things that helps the most in putting puzzles together is the box with the finished picture on it. Sometimes you pick up a piece and have no idea where it goes or even what it is and when you look at the box you can see exactly where it fits with the rest of the pieces.

Sometimes when we are faced with trials, we wonder how do all the pieces fit together? How can we possibly squeeze in everything that our demanding lives require of us? What do we do when life throws us a curve ball that we weren’t expecting or planning for?

One answer can be found in Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

We can trust in the Lord because he is holding the box, he sees the big picture. When we can’t figure out how a piece of our lives will fit, we can listen to the Lord. He can direct us so that the pieces all fit together the way the Lord has planned for each of us. Sometimes, the pieces look more similar and we can only see the approximate location of a certain piece. Still the Lord in his infinite wisdom knows exactly where each piece will fit.

Alma said "for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day."

John Taylor said: "In relation to events that will yet take place, and the kind of trials, troubles, and sufferings which we shall have to cope with, it is to me a matter of very little moment; these things are in the hands of God, he dictates the affairs of the human family, and directs and controls our affairs; and the great thing that we, as a people, have to do is seek after and cleave unto our God, to be in close affinity with him, and to seek for his guidance, and his blessing and Holy Spirit to lead and guide us in the right path. Then it matters not what it is nor who it is that we have to contend with, God will give us strength according to our day."

E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

After 10 days on the ventilator, Jared was doing well enough to breathe on his own again. He was getting stronger each day. It seemed that the Lord still had a work for him to do on this side of the veil. But he was still very sick, and just as we were about to be sent home, the doctors found yet another pocket of infection. So Jared had a fifth surgery to drain that infection as well.

Heber C. Kimball said: "Let me say to you, that many of you will see the time when you will have all the trouble, trial, and persecution that you can stand, and plenty of opportunities to show that you are true to God and his work. This Church has before it many close places through which it will have to pass before the work of God is crowned with victory. To meet the difficulties that are coming, it will be necessary for you to have a knowledge of the truth of this work for yourselves. The difficulties will be of such a character that the man or woman who does not possess this personal knowledge or witness will fall. If you have not got the testimony, live right and call upon the Lord and cease not till you obtain it."

He also said: "Trials gave saints the opportunities to prove themselves worthy of eternal blessings by showing their commitment to God and His kingdom."

Spencer W. Kimball said: "Suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery."

In addition, Boyd K Packer said: "You fail to understand that the challenge comes not as an army against the Church, but as the adversary against your individual testimony."

One of my favorite Old Testament stories is that of Shadrach, Mishach, and Abindigo. They had their testimonies and faith put to the ultimate test, when they were unwilling to bow down to a false God. The King then ordered them put into a fiery furnace.

This was their response to the King: "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O King""But if not, be known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

Dennis Simmons gave a wonderful conference talk about these three young men. He said : "They knew that they could trust God-even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him."

"Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him."

"Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them."

"We must have the same faith and trust as Shadrach, Meshack, and Adenego. Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not....He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not....Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not...He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, ....we will trust in the Lord."

"Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not... He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not...We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not,...we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

Howard W. Hunter said: "I promise you tonight in the name of the Lord whose servant I am, that God will always protect and care for his people."

James E Faust had this to say about trials: "It is my testimony that we are facing difficult times. We must be courageously obedient. My witness is that we will be called upon to prove our spiritual stamina, for the days ahead will be filled with affliction and difficulty. As the pioneers had the larger vision in their daily challenge for survival, so also we need to have a greater vision and understanding of our eternal destiny. Our challenges are more subtle but equally hard. Maintaining our spiritual strength is also a daily challenge. The greatest source of that spiritual strength comes, as it did in their time, from our temples."

I find it interesting that Pres Faust says that our challenges are different, yet equally hard as the pioneers. We must do all we can to maintain and increase our spiritual stamina, especially in times when we are not facing trials, so that when trials come unexpectedly, we will be strong enough to endure them.

As we watch athletes in the Olympics compete, we can see how much training they have put into being ready for this competition. You must train in advance, you can not just show up and expect peak performance from your body. It is the same for our spiritual training. We must prepare for the trials and challenges we know are to come.

Dallin H. Oaks said at a BYU devotional "Indeed, we cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing."

Sometimes we want a piece of the puzzle to fit right now, when really it can not be put into place until the other pieces around it are put together.

I love this quote from C. S. Lewis said that Marvin J. Ashton used in a conference talk:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of...throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

Elder Scott said "Trust in God no matter how challenging the circumstance....Your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ."

Robert D. Hales said: "There is nothing that we are enduring that Jesus does not understand, and He waits for us to go to our Heavenly Father in prayer. I testify that if we will be obedient and if we are diligent, our prayers will be answered, our problems will diminish, our fears will dissipate, light will come upon us, the darkness of despair will be dispersed, and we will be close to the Lord and feel of His love and of the comfort of the Holy Ghost."

Elder Craig Zwick said in conference 2003 "It is the wounded Christ who leads us through our moments of difficulty. It is He who bears us up when we need more air to breathe or direction to follow or even more courage to continue. Trust in His promise of eternal life and allow peace and hope to distill upon you."

I can honestly say that this happened to me, as I sat for hours in the hospital. I felt the Saviour close to me, and even holding me up at times when I didn’t think I could stand one more minute.

Spencer W. Kimball said: "If all sick for whom we pray were healed, if all the righteous were protected and the wicked destroyed, the whole program of the Father would be annulled and the basic principle of the gospel, free agency, would be ended. No man would have to live by faith...There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency, only satanic controls."

It is part of the plan that we suffer and experience both sickness and health.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

Finally, just over a week ago, after 18 days in the ICU, and 25 days total in the hospital, Jared came home. He is continuing to recover and regain his strength back.

When we tell his story to any one, the first question almost unfailingly is "How did this happen?" The answer is we do not exactly know what caused the infection. It seems inconceivable that a young, strong healthy kid could be swimming in a lake at scout camp, and two weeks later be fighting for his life in the hospital.

Spencer W Kimball had this to say "Answer, if you can, I cannot, for though I know God has a major role in our lives, I do not know how much He causes to happen and how much He merely permits. What ever the answer to this question, there is another I feel sure about. Could the Lord have prevented these tragedies? The answer is Yes. The Lord is omnipotent, with all power to control our lives, save us pain, prevent all accidents, drive all planes and cars, feed us, protect us, save us from labor, effort, sickness, even from death, if He will. But He will not."

Through it all, I felt strengthened and supported by the prayers of family and friends. I know that Jared is doing well today thanks to the faith of so many, and the will of the Lord.

Neal A. Maxwell advised: "All crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving."

And Mary Ellen Edmonds suggested: "At night I turn over all my problems to Heavenly Father. He’s going to be up all night anyway."

I know that each of us will be called upon to endure trials and adversity, and through faith and hope, we can withstand all that life is ready to throw at us.

Jeffrey R Holland said: "Only on His triumphant shoulders can we ride to celestial glory if we will but choose through our faithfulness to do so."

I bare you my testimony that I know that the Lord lives and watches over each of us. Even when we are going through difficult trials, He is there for us to lean on for support and understanding. Not only those on earth helped me through this difficult time, but I have not doubt that many of my deceased family members were there strengthening me at some of the most trying times. I am so grateful for my membership in this church. I can not imagine life with out it.

Also my appreciation for the Holy Ghost has increased. I think I often take for granted, His constant companionship and comfort. And of course my gratitude to my Heavenly Father and the Saviour, for I felt their sustaining love. I know that Heavenly Father will not leave us to face our challenges alone. Ask him to help you solve the puzzles in your life and he will help you put the pieces together so that your final picture looks like exaltation.

It is interesting that when I gave this talk, I thought that the trial was almost over. Now four months later, I am almost shocked to see that it has gone on this long. I suppose sometimes it is good to not know how long a trial will last.

Reading these words gave my faith a much needed shot in the arm. It was looking a bit puny this week. Things will get better. I will get through this and live to face the next hard thing in this life. So here's clinging to the hope that it is sooner than later.

And they called it puppy love.

You might want to get a bucket because this post might make you hurl from its sugary ooey gooey sweetness.

I feel just like Crash Test Dummy, I just want everyone to be happy, including me. Here is something that you can't help being happy about: little girls and puppies. Go ahead, I dare you to look at these pictures and not smile.

Oreo puppy sandwich.

A friend of ours has three of the cutest little puppies you have ever seen. When you see them you can't help but talk to them in the cutest little baby voice.

This friend is also the kindest surrogate grandma kind of person, and last Saturday she had my daughter and her two friends over to see the puppies. I dropped them off for a little visit and four hours later this is what I found when I went to pick them up. The puppy visit was just the beginning, it turned into a tea party complete with homemade cookies, dress ups, child size table and chairs, and a doll guest to complete the foursome.

What could be better than puppies, dress ups, and tea parties?

Lady in Red.
Pucker up Puppy!
Three in a hat.

The view from the rear.

Here is the proud momma. She of course gets in on the dressing up with her fab pink sweater.
Here is the group family shot. Puppies are a lot like kids, they don't like to sit still for pictures.

Another post about BYU football

I had a hard time sleeping last night. When Jared woke me up at (I don't even remember what time it was, 1, or 2, or 3 or something,) I could not go back to sleep. I laid there and constructed the most clever, amazing, and entertaining post you have never read. Do you think I can remember a word of it this morning? NOPE. Darn sleep deprived brain.

I have a temporary job that happens a couple times a year and this happens to be one of those weeks. So I am going to get a break from the invalid. He is still having so much pain from the stretched nerve that he complains quite a lot. Well, I know exactly how he feels about stretched nerves. Geez. Some wonderful people in my ward are going to help out. Hooray for ward family. And they are bringing me dinner.

In honor of the Holy War, I thought I would re post some pictures. If you don't know about the Holy War it is when the BYU football team plays the University of Utah football team. This game will happen on Saturday at 3:00 my time. There is a lot of bowl and national ranking stuff riding on this game. But even when both teams are unranked, it is a big deal. I have never been in Utah for the week, but I guess it can get pretty ugly. I don't want any of that. I respect other's right to cheer for their team, just don't stand in front of me while I am yelling at the top of my lungs for mine. OK.

Here I am doing my best Vanna White impression, showing off the mystical bone I found in my turkey last year. It looks just like the Y on the mountain in Provo. When I found this bone, I was sure it was a sign from above that BYU would absolutely, positively beat Utah just two days later. And even though it went down to the last play of the game, my team did win. Of course it was all because I held my lucky bone above my head while jumping up and down on my couch and screaming my lungs out. I am a giver that way, helping the team anyway I can.

And here I am with the guys. You know just kickin' it, hanging out together, because we are just best buds and that's how it is with us. And do you see my husband or kids in this picture? No, because they didn't even go to the fireside. I just took myself, because I am a nerd that way. But good news, it is easy to find a seat right in the front, when you are only a party of one. Yes, my family really does think I have taken this fan thing too far, and they try to avoid being seen with me in public or even in the same room when I watch the games. So anyway, I would have loved to have heard these players talk about the crazy old lady that made them pose with her. And I do still wonder if I have ever been mentioned in team meetings. "Watch out for this lunatic lady with a football scrapbook and a turkey bone, she may be dangerous."

If you have missed any of my other football posts and feel so inclined you could read about it here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here or here. Whew, that is a lot of linking. I am out of breath from all of that. And of course you will not even want to read so much about my BYU obsession, but all those posts proves the point that I am nothing if not consistent in my fanaticism.

So here is wishing my Cougars the best of luck on Saturday. They are going to need it, and I hope my heart is up to another heartstopping finish to the game.

Oh, to be mended!

I'm feeling a bit broken today and so I thought I would repost this video that I put together back in June. I thought that some of the rest of you might like to see it, perhaps for the first time. Maybe you are feeling in need of a little soul mending as well as me.



Is reposting something like regifting? Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Kenneth Kope is singing this song. I think he rocks, go out and buy his CD's. And he didn't even pay me to say that or anything. I chose pictures that I thought went with the music.

In many ways it is a good thing to have the chance to be broken so that you can feel the miracle of mercy when the Master heals the wounded heart or hip for that matter.

Happy Sabbath everyone!